Happy Halloween! (VIOLENCE!)

Patton Oswalt on Halloween (Skip to about the 3 minute mark...):



Halloween is a time for "normal" people to dress in terrifying costume and decorate their usually nice houses with horrific scenes of violence and death. Which, you know, we support. And so in that spirit, we'd like to share some ridiculous, over-the-top, dare-we-say surreal, cinematic violence. Consider it candy- for your eyes... Gross candy. Like that rogue whopper that manages to find its way into every box. It's sort of hollow and just doesn't taste right. This post is like a whole box of those...















This is the worst post ever.

I am so sorry.

Oh, and Happy Halloween!

Dan

POSSILBE SURREALISM IN PROGRESS - Joaquin Phoenix 'Quits' Acting

This has been big news the past few days (as the mainstream media filled time waiting for our Presidential endorsement), apparently Joaquin Phoenix has quit acting.

I'm not really a big fan of any of the movies he's been in, but the dude can act and actually seems to take the craft pretty seriously, which we respect. So, it would sort of bum us out if he stopped- mainly because his future roles would probably be given to those creepy d-bags from The Hills*.

But watch the above video... there is something weird afoot. Why is that camera following Joaquin down the red carpet? He alludes that Casey Affleck is to take over the throne of Method Actor-dom. I mean Casey Affleck is a good actor- but seriously?

This is all so weird.

Is this some sort of Andy Kaufman-esque prank? Maybe Phoenix is making some sort of Borat-ish Hollywood satire? I don't know, but he sort of seems a little too serious for something like that. But then again, maybe I only think that because he's such a good actor. Or maybe he is a closeted surrealist and he takes his surrealing seriously. If that's it Joaquin, let the PSUA know so you become eligible for our benefits (which you'll no longer get from SAG...).

Dan

* Not to be confused with The Hillz- which is technically very surreal.

Finally, Our Presidential Endorsement

Many of you have been holding your collective breath to see who (whom?) the Practicing Surrealists Union of America (PSUA) will endorse for President. You can exhale. And then you'll need to take another deep breath, becasue we're about to lay on you more history than you can possibly handle. Boom.

First, immediately before Surrealism's inception in the early 1920s, Eugene V. Debs was the Socialist Party's perennial nominee for President of the United States (1900-1920). He never made much of a showing at the polls, but when the Great Depression hit, Debs was dead and gone, FDR was in office, and a lot of the things Debs had consistently run on found their way into the New Deal.

Next, it stands to reason that as the lights dim and we settle into our seats for The Great Depression, Part II, whoever (whomever?) is the Socialist Party candidate will actually dictate our nation's future policy, no matter who's actually elected.

Next, Kurt Vonnegut, who has unassailable Surrealist street cred (he wrote himself into the novel Breakfast of Champions as the author of the book, sitting at a table in a hotel lounge with a curiously proportioned penis -- go check it out for yourself if you don't believe us), was fond of quoting this line of Debs': "While there is a lower class, I am in it; while there is a criminal element, I am of it; while there is a soul in prison, I am not free."

Next, the Socialist Party candidate for President of the United States in 2008 is on the ballot in only eight states, and California, where the PSUA is based, isn't one of them.

Therefore, we, Dan and Vince, Surrealists, of the PSUA, officially endorse Brian Moore, of the Socialist Party of the United States of America, as our candidate for President.

Because really, we know Sarah Palin's really made a run for our vote, but at the end of the day, what's more Surreal than endorsing a guy you can't even vote for?

Vince out.

Reader E-mail: "Hello!"

We got a MySpace mesage from Lindy, she wants us to date her Mom. Can you blame her?

Hi! They call her "milk", 'cause she does a body good ;-)

I'm talking about my mother. She's single and would want to date a handsome guy like you She's a busy woman, she works and volunteers at an animal shelter once in a while. She plays the piano, reads books and loves to cook. She uses recipes she finds on the net. She is open-minded, laid-back, romantic and patient. She is also energetic and fun to hang around with � she's not negative and enjoys life's simple pleasures. I hope you'll write back! dont reply hear though; this is my account, she doesn't have one. Send your reply to her email address a mariestutsman@gmail.

Have fun!

Well, well... Now as saucy as this is, let me add in this detail- judging by her profile picture, Lindy looks like a model, so if the apple doesn't fall far from the tree... well, you can imagine...

Anyway, we had to respond:

Lindy,

So glad you wrote. Vince and I were just saying how we should take our surrealing to the dating-world... Your mom sound cool, I like that she's not negative, and that she, also, apparently likes to do a lot of stuff (and does do it, she doesn't just like it, she actually does it).

But, dear Lindy, I worry... Does your Mom really have the time to date, not one, but two practicing surrealists? Can she stand the constant 24/7X2 phone calls and professions of love...

"Milk, I would run through a forest of feet for you!"

"Milk, farmers wouldn't have to grow potatoes if they knew what grew in my heart for you."

"Milk, A forest of feet (shoed or unshoed) is no match for the love I have for you."

"Milk, were you at the store last week? Someone was there, they looked like you."

"Milk, the reason I was late for our date (which I forgot to tell you about) was because I tried to take a short cut through the forest of feet again- this proved to be a bad idea, because while the feet (planted in the ground ankle-first) are only about 8 inches high, my vision was obscured by the thought of you..."

Consider all of this; scheduling, surrealing and feet forests and get back to me...

Look forward to hearing from you soon,

Dan

We'll keep you posted!

Dan

Dash Snow is a Bee-yatch

As you may have noticed, we recently picked a fight with film director D.J. Caruso.

Now we're picking one with Dash Snow. Because he's a bitch, and he's everything that's wrong with art.

For example, in his collage called "F*** the Police," here's what he did: He took newspaper clippings about police, and he masturbated on them. Then he put them in frames. Then he sold them for millions of dollars.

You think that's hard? Try spending thirty days in the can for pissing on the LA Times building.

Jerking it on newspapers isn't art (and believe me, we found out the hard way...), taking pictures of your idiot friends doing blow isn't art (it's tabloid fodder, at best), and having a long beard isn't art (unless you're in Z.Z. Top). We know the word gets thrown around a lot, but do you guys know what Surrealism really is? It's putting two things next to each other that don't belong. But you can't put any two things next to each other, they have to be the right things. And Dan and I have to figure this crap out before we walk out the door in the morning, because we can't just walk down the street, we have to walk down the street and make people think, dammit. This is our life.

Where's our millions of dollars?

Vince out!

Inanities, Part 1

Several Christmases ago, I got a pork pie hat as a gift. Then, a few birthdays later, I got several very nice silk handkerchiefs. I felt bad, staring at those things just sitting in my closet after a while, so I went out and bought a three-piece suit, and then put everything together. I looked good. I looked like Tom Waits. But then I didn't have many occasions to get all dudded up, and I felt bad about the three-piece suit purchase. So I went and bought an old Remington upright typewriter from the 1930s. I got re-dudded up, sat down at the old word grinder, and I kid you not, this came out:

"And so beauty disappeared, and color followed with it. And the ocean lost its wonder while retaining its scale, transmogrified from the captivating, flowing silk of a rippling parachute into the midnight, gaping wound of a 1940s detective movie. And trees were stripped of their power to lend life to a sidewalk, a courtyard, a public square, becoming nothing but explosions of steel wool atop light poles. All was lost, and the world retreated to gray."

And I thought "HOLY CRAP!! THIS TYPEWRITER'S MAGIC!!" But then this came out next:

"‘I would like some pie,’ is what the circle told the rhomboid, or so the story goes. Just like a circle, never wants to share with anybody. It already had pi."

And I knew that I'd broken the magic typewriter.

However, since I'd sunk all this money into my suit, this antique typewriter, and a roll-top desk (yeah, I got a little carried away), I figured I should keep using the stuff. So now, every Thursday, you can catch me at an old roll-top desk in my three-piece suit, my pork pie, with a silk hankie in my pocket, banging away at a typewriter of the approximate vitage of Surrealism itself. And I've got nothing to do with the stuff that comes out of that thing but post it here.

Lucky you!

The Press Follow Our Lead... (Again...)

We've been talking about the surrealist tendencies of the McCain/Palin campaign for a while now- and it looks like the media has finally picked up on it...



Rachael Maddow makes some good points (in terms of this being dada)- but, let's be honest if you're going to vote based solely on who's more dada, you've got to go with Mike Gravel...

Dan the Surrealist

Creative Control in the Window Display of a Comic Shop

I had this dream last night. Now I am going to tell you about it.

I was in charge of designing and setting up the window display at the local comic store. (I'm not sure how I ended up in this position, there's nothing on my resume that makes me particularly qualified- in the dream, in real life I'm quite qualified...) Even curiouser, not only was I hired to do this, but I was apparently given absolute creative control to do whatever I like. My idea for this week (apparently I do this weekly) was to make the window display look as if the store was completely empty. No racks of new comics, no boxes of back issues, no action figures, nothing. If you walked by and looked in the window it would appear as if the store had gone out of business and moved out over night. The owner of the store was upset about this, for obvious reasons, which were then only compounded by the fact that I was using his staff to set up the elaborate series of mirrors, projectors, and holograms necessary to pull off this incredible, business-ruining display. But it didn't bother me that he was mad, not for a second, because I was working for his boss, who apparently thought I was brilliant.

Whatever...

Dan

The Most Important Vote of Your Life!

We've finally got an endorsement for you. We're endorsing Deneuve.

I'm not talking about the President-making-thing (the election), I'm talking about GQ's 25 Sexiest Women in Film- of All Time List... I know that magazines Maxim, FHM, and Bubes for Dudes (I made that last one up) release a list like this every other day but this one is different- the publishers of GQ are literate- and don't mind reading subtitles, therefore they've included some of the beautiful foreign film stars that we nerd out over... including:



Ms. Surrealism herself, Catherine Deneuve.

Which is great, except- she is currently riding at around 2% (despite our repeated attempts at voter fraud. This simply can not stand- so go and vote by clicking here!

Thanks (to you and Democracy),

Dan

Sure, Why Not...

When you really think about it, it's stupid to NOT attach explosive bananas to your face... I mean, you know, when you really think about it...

Dan

Sad- But Also Inspiring? Or Maybe Just Really Depressing...

Incredible auteur Rainer Werner Fassbinder wrote and directed 41 films in his lifetime.

He died less than two weeks after his 37th birthday.

When his body was discovered, an unfinished screenplay was lying next to him...

How old are you and what have you done?

Dan

Twitter Just Got Surreal-er

We are now on Twitter. We like the challenge of trying to cram our surrealism into 160 characters or less.

Visit us here:

https://twitter.com/danandvince

Dan

Flann O'Brien

Here's why we like Flann O'Brien:
- He's Irish, from the land that brought us Guinness
- He never existed (being a pseydonym)
- And he wrote a book called At Swim-Two-Birds, which, honest to god, Andre Breton probably kept under his pillow at night.

Let me see how I can best summarize this book: A lazy university student is writing a book about a man who runs a hotel and is writing a book whose characters conspire against him and drug him to the point of a narcotic coma so they no longer have to do what he wishes to write, and can instead live their lives the way they please.

The university student has a theory, also, that enough literary characters have been created, and all books should now be populated with characters created in other, earlier works, because this will save the writer and reader the trouble of having to get to know a whole new crop of people every time a new book is opened. So, for instance, Anna Karenina and Emma Bovary walk into a bar, etc. etc. etc. As such, the characters in the book he is writing --the drugged author and all of his "creations" -- have all been lifted from other works or from mythology. This idea opens the doors to myrid Surrealistic possibilities.

And finally, we would like the book were none of the above true, as long as it still contained this passage: "We must invert our conception of repose and activity...We should not sleep to recover the energy expended when awake, but rather wake occasionally to defecate the unwanted energy that sleep engenders. This might be done quickly - a five-mile race at full tilt around the town and then back to bed and the kingdom of the shadows."

Vince out.

Isn't it Ironic (How Wrong You Are?)

Alanis Morissette's song 'Ironic' often comes under fire from jaded, over-analytical hipsters determined to put their Bachelor's degree in English to good use and claim that the situations listed in the song are not actually ironic.

Now, I'm not going to go through the song line by line since some of them are sort of questionable, but I do want to defend the commonly called-out chorus:

It's like Ray-eyyyain on your wedding day...

For some reason people like to point to this line as something that is not ironic, but they are wrong. Or at least simply not well-versed in traditional American wedding superstitions.

If it rains on your wedding day- congratulations, that's considered good luck. The superstition tells us that your marriage will be very successful. Of course, if you're so lucky, why are you and all your friends and family standing around in suits in the rain.

Rain + Wedding Day = Good Luck? Sounds kind of ironic. A little too ironic? Well, no, not really, since it was probably thought up to help calm down distraught, wet bride, but, yeah, ironic.

So now back to our smart ass friend who is dominating the happy hour conversation by calling out Ms. Morissette for not knowing the definitoon of a pretty simple word. He is, in fact, the dumbass, and by making said 'call out' he has done nothing but draw attention to his own stupidity.

Now isn't it ironic... and yes I really do think.

Dan

D.J. Caruso...Friend or Foe?

For those of you who haven't been keeping up, there's this guy out there directing movies named D.J. Caruso. We've written about him a couple of times now, which got me thinking -- how do we feel about this guy? We want Sam Mraovich to keep making movies, but what about the man behind, most recently, Eagle Eye and Disturbia?

Here's the skinny on those films: They're Hitchcock films. The people behind Disturbia are currently being sued for creating an unauthorized remake of Rear Window, and check out what Boston.com has to say about Eagle Eye:

"Eagle Eye," [like Disturbia], is a movie only a copyright lawyer could love. It strip-mines at least three Hitchcock classics - "North by Northwest," "The Wrong Man," and "The Man Who Knew Too Much" - then commits unlawful assault on Stanley Kubrick's "2001: A Space Odyssey" just for the heck of it...Is it any fun? For an act of pillage, it's pretty entertaining. Bring earplugs and Dramamine, though, and keep "Vertigo" cued up on the DVD player for when you get home.

Now, The Deej, as I'll be referring to him from now on, is 43 years old. This is important, because if he was 25 and had just gotten out of film school, he might not know any better than to steal outright entire pieces of classic films. But as someone who's been directing films since 1995, he should know better, which means he probably does, but that knowledge is not deterring his quick fingers (intellectual property-wise). So what does it all mean?

1) The Deej could simply be a talentless hack who has built his career by aping luminaries who came before him, trusting that audiences/studio executives will be either so ignorant or so blase about his thievery that they'll let him continue unimpeded (which, if this is the case, it's worked according to plan - go Deej).

2) The Deej is someone who watched Hitchcock's catalogue and thought "Man, I wish I would've made those movies," and now is trying to do just that because no one's stopping him. I can understand this to a certain extent. After Back to the Future came out, I wanted a DeLorean. I'd still take one if somebody left it in my driveway.

3) The Deej, could, in fact, be a kindred spirit, and welcome invitee to the PSUA, who harbors the dream of one day creating a sort of arch-pastiche, a film constructed entirely of recycled pieces, a sort of mainstream cineplex-and-popcorn found-art experience. This we could get behind. So which is it? Well, I've had kind of a bad day, so unless The Deej contacts us and lets us in on the joke, at which point he will immediately inducted into the Practicing Surrealists Union of America, all dues waived, I'm guessing he's (1).

D.J Caruso, I propose you are a toolbox.* And yes, that is my gauntlet at your feet.

Vince out.

*Definition from UrbanDictionary.com: The term "toolbox" refers to someone who is such a tool that his supreme stupidity is on the level of what you'd expect from a collaboration of several tools.

Sesame Street Dada

Here is a vintage clip of not-dead actor James Earl Jones on Sesame Street. If this doesn't prove that that show is (or at least, was) the best way for a kid to learn, I'll eat my shoe...



Dan

Palin for the Win?

The election is less than a month away and we still haven't endorsed a presidential candidate... however, it's not for lack of trying.

We've acknowledged an interest in Alaska Governor/Republican Vice Presidential Nominee/Poet Sarah Palin, and I have to say that since then, she's only gotten better and better.

First there was the Vice Presidential debate, where she answered questions as only a surrealist could- by not answering them!

And then, there was this web ad that her campaign ran the next day...

"She killed. It was her evening. She was the star."
- Famous Person 10/2/08

My God! It's brilliant. Is it a post-modern comment on America's obsession with celebrity for celebrity's sake instead of celebrity earned through talent and hard work? Or is it a self-aware, self-deprecating jab at the lack of Hollywood support for the GOP? Perhaps a subtle attack of Barack Obama and his unending supply of movie star supporters? Whatever it is, do we love it? You betcha!

Keep up the good work Sarah!

Dan

(h/t: Wonkette)

Pamela Anderson for President?

Yeah, I know it doesn't really make any sense, but follow me on this...

A few days after we lamented at the lack of surrealism in the current Presidential race, Ralph Nader made a public plea for the surrealist vote. We were not impressed. But then on the other side of the pond, at a fashion show in England, actress/playmate Pamela Anderson ever so subtly threw her hat into the race, not with actions or speeches or any of those 'presidential' things- She- well- just take a look for yourself...

Um... Is that a robot? Do we have robots yet? Is it an alien? A ghost? Whatever it is it's damn weird- More interesting than anything David Blaine has done in the last few years- I'd even say it's surreal.

So, Pam Anderson did something surreal. Why does this mean she should receive PSUA's endorsement for the highest office in the country? Well think about it, Barb Wire is, in its own way, a surrealist film, so she's been in the surrealing game for a while. Plus she's got more experience than Sarah Palin- though admittedly not the kind of experience people look for in their future leaders... sexy experience...

In conclusion, we're not ready to endorse anyone yet- but this is an interesting turn of events...

Dan

Great Moments in Wikipedia Vandalism, Part 4

We haven't done one of these in a while... but someone (specifically someone at the IP address 158.64.118.154) added the following information to the Surrealism page on Wikipedia- and I'll be honest, I checked with Vince, and neither of us knew this. But it's on wikipedia (or it was...) so it must be true...

Surrealism was made in victorian britain by Jack Bauer.

Fascinating... However our friend, who we'll call 158 for short, has also been doing some exhaustive research on Led Zeppelin guitarist Jimmy Page. Of Page's time with the Yardbirds he writes

I like pIE

And saves his biggest bombshell for the section on Page's formative years, where he pronounces

Jimmy Page is gAy

Wow!

Dan

The Unintenional Surrealism of Bad Movies (Part 2)

Earlier we discussed the connection between "bad films" and surrealism.

We need to make a clarification and a correction.

First the correction: Sam Mraovich's Ben & Arthur is no longer the second worst film of all time (according to the IMDB). It is now the fourth worst. The new number two is called Fat Slags - which leads us to our clarification...

Not all bad films are surreal. Case in point, Fat Slags. The film is based on a comic strip from British humor magazine Viz, which we can assume is like a British version of Mad or maybe a less funny version of the awesome British magazine Acne (which we wrote about here). The film stars Jerry O'Connell, Sexy Spicy Geri Halliwell, Naomi Campbell, and most-importantly actor-turned-auteur Dolph Lundgren. Check out the scene below:



Not surreal.

But the ball breaks when the not-even-all-that-fat-woman sits on it, then there's a mild earthquake. Not surreal, it's exagerration at best.

But the scale talks. Not surreal, you can buy those at Target.

But you should list three things about this clip... it's just good writing. I agree, I am a bad writer.

Anyway, this film works on the premise that fat people are funny- and while it's true sometimes; W.C. Fields, Chris Farley, Jon Belushi- it's really overly generous, and frankly unfair to us, the skinny, to simply assume that all overweight people are funny. Think about it Steve Martin, Kate Moss, the mummified remain of King Tutankhamun- all skinny and hilarious.

In summary:
1. Sam Mraovich made the fourth worst film of all time.
2. Sometimes bad movies are just plain bad.
3. Don't hog the comedy spotlight, fatty, us skinny/attractive people could use a break every once in a while...

Dan