Reader E-mail: "Robert De Niro to Sue Over Paintings"

This note got lost in the mail, which sucks because it seems like it's about a pretty big news story- one that combines our interest in art/film. Fortunately, no one else has broken this explosive story- so here goes...

-----Original Message-----
From: Anthony.Penny
Sent: Wednesday, November 19, 2008 5:14 AM
Subject: Robert De Niro to Sue Over Paintings

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here it is

Thanks Anthony, Penny, whatever.

Dan

Reader E-mail: "Call to confirm !!!"

We've been talking a lot about how we're struggling to make money while making art- and we're not asking for charity, we're just telling you what's what. And we are accepting charity when it becomes available. Like today, when one reader (who wished to remain anonymous) forwarded us basically one million euros in the form of this note:

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Mrs. Roselyn Gomez. <bristolwestb55@aol.com>
Date: 2009/4/15
Subject: Call to confirm !!!
To:


MICRO WORD.COM CORPORATIONS,
CUSTOMER SERVICE:
MADRID SPAIN/ESPANA.
APARTADO DE CORREOS 48, 28230 las Rozas,

REFERENCE NO: MSFT-0200-X74-RS
BATCH NO: MSFT-2009- GM-0221

OFFICIAL WINNING NOTIFICATION.

Welcome to Micro word.com Corporation annual promotions, We are
pleased to inform you of the released results of Sweepstakes Promotion
organized by Micro word.com Corporations, in conjunction with the
foundation for the Promotion of software products, held this April 2nd
2009, here in Madrid-Spain.

Your email address emerged as one of the on-line Winning emails, in the
1st category and therefore You have been approved for a cash award
1,000,000.00; MILLION Euros (ONE MILLION EUROS) this is from a total cash
prize of TEN MILLION EUROS Shared among the ten International winners in
the 1st category.

To begin your claim, do file for the release of your winning by contacting
our Accredited agent: Foreign Transfer Manager MICRO WORD.COM CORPORATIONS.

Mr. Andy Phillips Cole.
Tel: +34-634-105-922
Email: andyphillipsc@aol.com

NOTE: All the members of Spanish MSFT Word Resource Consortium Software Promotion Companies.

Remember your winning must be claimed not later than two weeks of notification after this
date funds might be returned to the MICRO WORD RESOURCE MADRID, this Internet E-mail draw is held periodically,

And is organized to encourage the use of the Internet users, And to
promote computer literacy worldwide.

Congratulations!!!

Sincerely,
Mrs. Roselyn Gomez.
Promotions Manager.

Og boy! Here's our reply:

Roz,

A friend sent us this e-mail and we are so down. We need the money- Can you buy shoes with Euros? We've got a plan for an art project we can do with our "1,000,000.00; MILLION Euros (ONE MILLION EUROS)," but we're going to need a lot of shoes. A. Lot. Of. Shoes. In fact, forget the money, just go ahead and send us the shoes. Or perhaps it would be in the interest of microword.com to stop producing software and start producing shoes. Seriously- we're going to need that many.

Jesus! You have made our day, here we sit, at work, almost completely shoe-less (we currently have a total of 4- orders from corporate), and tomorrow we will literally be able to swim in shoes. Shoes! Shoes! Shoes!

I've just been talking about us this whole time, tell me about you Roz, we're going to be friends now, after all you did give us 1,000,000.00; MILLION Euros (ONE MILLION EUROS) for shoes- do you like shoes? Really? What kind of shoes?

It's crazy the way things worked out, judging by the amount of extraneous exclamation points in your subject heading I didn't think we were going to get along. I was so naive.

Dan

We'll keep you posted!

Dan

Reader E-mail: "crusade ombidsman meanspirited"

Reader Liza Cheney (possibly related to the former Vice President?) sent us a letter- apparently about a head of state who is on some sort of mean-spirited campaign. This will not stand! Let's get the details...

Bronze Yohn was not there to see; he had already departed from the Eyrie to begin the long descent,He overthrew Prince Rhaegar and named me his queen of love and beauty. I am surprised you doThe sun was almost gone by the time they were done with Maester Aemon. Only a long thin line of

Cool. Thanks for sharing!

Dan

Reader E-mail: "Hello!"

We got a MySpace mesage from Lindy, she wants us to date her Mom. Can you blame her?

Hi! They call her "milk", 'cause she does a body good ;-)

I'm talking about my mother. She's single and would want to date a handsome guy like you She's a busy woman, she works and volunteers at an animal shelter once in a while. She plays the piano, reads books and loves to cook. She uses recipes she finds on the net. She is open-minded, laid-back, romantic and patient. She is also energetic and fun to hang around with � she's not negative and enjoys life's simple pleasures. I hope you'll write back! dont reply hear though; this is my account, she doesn't have one. Send your reply to her email address a mariestutsman@gmail.

Have fun!

Well, well... Now as saucy as this is, let me add in this detail- judging by her profile picture, Lindy looks like a model, so if the apple doesn't fall far from the tree... well, you can imagine...

Anyway, we had to respond:

Lindy,

So glad you wrote. Vince and I were just saying how we should take our surrealing to the dating-world... Your mom sound cool, I like that she's not negative, and that she, also, apparently likes to do a lot of stuff (and does do it, she doesn't just like it, she actually does it).

But, dear Lindy, I worry... Does your Mom really have the time to date, not one, but two practicing surrealists? Can she stand the constant 24/7X2 phone calls and professions of love...

"Milk, I would run through a forest of feet for you!"

"Milk, farmers wouldn't have to grow potatoes if they knew what grew in my heart for you."

"Milk, A forest of feet (shoed or unshoed) is no match for the love I have for you."

"Milk, were you at the store last week? Someone was there, they looked like you."

"Milk, the reason I was late for our date (which I forgot to tell you about) was because I tried to take a short cut through the forest of feet again- this proved to be a bad idea, because while the feet (planted in the ground ankle-first) are only about 8 inches high, my vision was obscured by the thought of you..."

Consider all of this; scheduling, surrealing and feet forests and get back to me...

Look forward to hearing from you soon,

Dan

We'll keep you posted!

Dan

Not Magic. Not Surreal.

We've gotten a few e-mails about this. And the answer is no. No, it's not magic, and no it's not surreal.

Dan

On Second Thought... You Don't Know What You Want!

So, as Vince and I prepared our huge new piece of Britney inspired art (as per your request), we decided to take a break and check the old e-mail. Lo and behold it appears that the fickle public have moved on to a new obsession.

Damn it! We never should have listened to you! How can we give you what you want when you don't even know what you want and if you do know, you probably don't want it for more than a couple of minutes!

Here are the current contents of our inbox (the newest messages are on top):


I don't mean to seem angry, and I love your letters, I really, really do, but it just seems like maybe you folks need to do a little bit of work internally before you start making requests of America's hardest working surrealists.

Thanks, we'll talk soon.

Dan

Giving the People What They Want...

Being surrealists- we don't care what you want.

No offense.

See, we get letters from you, our dear readers, all the time. And while we listen to what you have to say, we simply can't allow your suggestions to affect our creative output... I mean what would Andrew Breton think if we did that? Andrew Breton of Columbus, OH, who requested that we "post a funny picture of his cat"- No dice, Andrew.

Now don't get me wrong, some of you have made some really great suggestions, we simply can not allow our selves to be influenced by your requests.

However, sometimes when we step back and look at all of the feedback we receive we can see a larger picture, one which reflects shifts in social trends and attitudes. Then it's no longer a matter of pandering to the desires of a few, but tweaking our artistic output to something more suited to the interests of our ever-changing world.

Such was the case today and the five messages sitting in our inbox:


Well, let me assure you that we've heard you... and we're working on it.

Dan

Reader E-mail: "leaf rilly commissary customhouse delaware‏"

Todays reader e-mail comes from Gary Clark. He's got some questions, fortunately, he also has some answers.

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Thanks Gary!

Reader E-mail: "Hey!"

Today's e-mail comes from MySpace user Brookyln.

Hey! How are you? Looking for a date? Tons of people sign-up for this dating website that helps them find people in their area...And if you want a date this weekend, check it out. It's free and there's tons of people signing up. Copy/paste this link -- http://www.thefsw.com/dating -- in your browser to check it out! Bye!

Our response:

Damn dude, this is absolutely amaze!

Just the other day I was all "Hey" and then Vince was all "yo" and then I was all "hey" then he said "yo" a couple more times. Then evench, we got to talking and we talking about how we should totally get our shoes into these ass-y dating services. I'll paste this link directly into the browser rectangle hole.

Then I will be there.

Is that how the computer works?

I don't know how the computer works.

E-mail me back, I'm curious.

Curious about how the computer works.

Dan.

Reader E-mail: "Can you explain this"

Today's reader e-mail comes from Lorna, who, judging by the subject line, apparently wants us to explain something to her. Let's see what Lorna has to say:

Want fuck by your pennis with tall woman? Visit www.2211122. And add COM after
dot at the end.

Yes. Yes we do Lorna. Thanks for asking.

Dan.

Reader E-mail: "Michael Roizen"

Wow! 2 great reader e-mails in one day! This one's from Sheriffs Motorola:

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He also sent a great stock tip, but I'm not sharing.

Dan.

Reader E-mail: "com Genealogy GuideSite."

Dan here. Just wanted to show off some more reader mail.

Today's letter comes from Belcher Q. Clementine. He (she?) doesn't have any questions, he just had some things he wanted to share.

Also, he sent us a picture of a tape recorder. That was nice.

Belcher writes:

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