Not Dead!

Just to clarify. We are not dead. We (Dan and Vince) are still around, still working at Starbucks, and still very much surreal.

Sorry for the lack of blogging, but we've been working on something big- you'll see it soon.

Dan

Hey Vince
I just typed a blog saying sorry we hadn't been blogging because we were working on a big art project
hahaha
that should keep people happy
now we just need to come up with something we could say we've been working on
since, actually, we haven't been working on anything.
Vince?
Hello?
Oh crap.
This isn't IM is it?
This is blogspot?
Meaning I'm typing all of this into a blog and not into IM?
Crap.

Failed #Hashtags

So, we're on Twitter. Duh. Everybody's on Twitter. (Even our boss- even your Mom, which doesn't come as much of a surprise since, according to the kids in the neighborhood, she's sort of a early-adopter of social networking websites- if you catch my drift.)

Anyway, #hashtags are the cool thing on Twitter- basically they're little subject headings for your little posts so people can search for results based on what you're talking about. Anyway, the really cool ones become memes, and, as everyone knows, memes make you money, and, as our readers know, we need money. So, we've been trying (poorly) to start some #hashtag memes. Here is a gallery of our failure.

1. #twittervandalism
Inspired by our series of blogs about Wikipedia Vandalism, we figured we should apply the same treatment to the micro-blog. Twitter-hijacking is surprisingly common- though the recent Tila Tequila thing may kind of put a damper on it- or at least put a damper on it being "funny" or "art."

2. #knockknock
We thought by posting the hashtag #knockknock, people would respond with #whosthere, then we'd say #bananas, then they'd say #bananaswho, then we'd say #orangeyougladididntsaybanana, then they'd says #lolwot. We thought that would be funny. Apparently it wasn't. Sorry, we wasted your time.

3. #onlyats
Okay, now this one I genuinely thought people would dig. It's a game, spell out a sentence by only using valid Twitter user-names. It has yet to take off... Which is really too bad, because unlike those other ones- I really, really believed that #onlyats was going to be the meme-money-train straight to our door.

You know who drives the meme-money train? Rick Astley. True story.

Sorry for all our failures. I guess that's why we're working where we're working...

Dan

Reader E-mail: "Call to confirm !!!"

We've been talking a lot about how we're struggling to make money while making art- and we're not asking for charity, we're just telling you what's what. And we are accepting charity when it becomes available. Like today, when one reader (who wished to remain anonymous) forwarded us basically one million euros in the form of this note:

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Mrs. Roselyn Gomez. <bristolwestb55@aol.com>
Date: 2009/4/15
Subject: Call to confirm !!!
To:


MICRO WORD.COM CORPORATIONS,
CUSTOMER SERVICE:
MADRID SPAIN/ESPANA.
APARTADO DE CORREOS 48, 28230 las Rozas,

REFERENCE NO: MSFT-0200-X74-RS
BATCH NO: MSFT-2009- GM-0221

OFFICIAL WINNING NOTIFICATION.

Welcome to Micro word.com Corporation annual promotions, We are
pleased to inform you of the released results of Sweepstakes Promotion
organized by Micro word.com Corporations, in conjunction with the
foundation for the Promotion of software products, held this April 2nd
2009, here in Madrid-Spain.

Your email address emerged as one of the on-line Winning emails, in the
1st category and therefore You have been approved for a cash award
1,000,000.00; MILLION Euros (ONE MILLION EUROS) this is from a total cash
prize of TEN MILLION EUROS Shared among the ten International winners in
the 1st category.

To begin your claim, do file for the release of your winning by contacting
our Accredited agent: Foreign Transfer Manager MICRO WORD.COM CORPORATIONS.

Mr. Andy Phillips Cole.
Tel: +34-634-105-922
Email: andyphillipsc@aol.com

NOTE: All the members of Spanish MSFT Word Resource Consortium Software Promotion Companies.

Remember your winning must be claimed not later than two weeks of notification after this
date funds might be returned to the MICRO WORD RESOURCE MADRID, this Internet E-mail draw is held periodically,

And is organized to encourage the use of the Internet users, And to
promote computer literacy worldwide.

Congratulations!!!

Sincerely,
Mrs. Roselyn Gomez.
Promotions Manager.

Og boy! Here's our reply:

Roz,

A friend sent us this e-mail and we are so down. We need the money- Can you buy shoes with Euros? We've got a plan for an art project we can do with our "1,000,000.00; MILLION Euros (ONE MILLION EUROS)," but we're going to need a lot of shoes. A. Lot. Of. Shoes. In fact, forget the money, just go ahead and send us the shoes. Or perhaps it would be in the interest of microword.com to stop producing software and start producing shoes. Seriously- we're going to need that many.

Jesus! You have made our day, here we sit, at work, almost completely shoe-less (we currently have a total of 4- orders from corporate), and tomorrow we will literally be able to swim in shoes. Shoes! Shoes! Shoes!

I've just been talking about us this whole time, tell me about you Roz, we're going to be friends now, after all you did give us 1,000,000.00; MILLION Euros (ONE MILLION EUROS) for shoes- do you like shoes? Really? What kind of shoes?

It's crazy the way things worked out, judging by the amount of extraneous exclamation points in your subject heading I didn't think we were going to get along. I was so naive.

Dan

We'll keep you posted!

Dan

Talking Bear

Okay, so... we've been working. Not on art, we've been working for money, which is very different, it's less fun but more "good for society."

Whatever.

Anyway, I'm conflicted about it, because on the one hand it gives me a lot of time to think about stuff- art stuff. Blogs. Installations. Movies. Basically, I like to think that Starbucks isn't paying me to make coffee, they're paying me to think and come up with crazy art.

Like today, for example, I came up with this idea for a blog post. Something about a talking bear... Was it a funny story about a talking bear? Some new meme involving a talking bear? Perhaps I had a dream about a talking bear?

I have no idea.

And that's the bad part of having a job. I come up with a lot of stuff- but I forgot almost as much stuff. Probably about 98% of the thoughts I have in a given day I end up forgetting... And frankly after our first verbal warning, I just can't take the risk of blogging while on the clock.

So, "talking bears"! Anyone know what that's referring to? I tried googling it but all I found was the image at the top of the page there. I suppose it is lost to the ether.

Sorry everyone.

Dan

"I hope today's blog is better than yesterdays..."

Uh- what? You didn't like the video, I thought-

"I thought you said that every Thursday you would publish an 'Art We Like' column."

Well, yeah, but dude... I'm trying...

"No you're not, you're just throwing some crap in this little window, trying to get together what can barely be considered a blog so that I'll leave you alone!"

Okay fine, voice that haunt me every time I open up blogspot, I'll try harder. I will I swear.

"Good. Now how's the job?"

It's going alright. I just wish people weren't so dumb though, you know?

"Yeah... I know... I used to wait tables and-"

Oh, see I didn't even know that about you. Wow. But, yeah, you know, it's like 'for the last time a berry chai infusion doesn't have milk in it, we're infusing berries and chai- can't you read'?

"No milk? Weird..."

Yeah, I guess maybe it's not that obvious...

"I don't know, maybe it is, I'd have to see the sign."

It's just a chalk drawing actually...

"So, we'll get a better blog tomorrow?"

Yeah, you will. I'm sorry.

Dan

Crispin Glover is for the Children!

I've got nothing to say about this- plus, I've got fraps to make. Gotta go!

Dan

The Magic of YouTube, Lying... (Actual Post)

So, weird thing... that last post? I apparently typed what I was supposed to be saying out loud, also, apparently, I said out loud what I was supposed to be typing here. HTML code and all. No wonder that guy looked at me so weird... Anyway, after he spoke to Sarah the Hun (aka, our manager) and I got my (actually, our) first verbal warning, I am now back on my laptop, fixing my mistake.

Here's what I meant to say:

YouTube is a magical place, magical because of stuff like this:

Now before I post this, I have to tell you this is supposed to be a TV commercial featuring Kerry King and other thrash metal guys. Sounds cool, huh? Well not as cool as this:



Congratulation YouTube user HalfEatenDimSim, you have left us completely dumbstruck.

Other videos in this dada/metal/prankster's cannon include...

How to play Slayer's Dead Skin Mask:



I'm sensing some sort of resentment for Kerry King here...

But Megadeth get some of the same baffling treatment:



And then an optical illusion:



And then some original songs... you can look at those on your own time and not "Starbucks' time" or at least that's what my manager says.

Dan

The Magic of YouTube, Lying...

Yeah, there's an extra charge for the soy milk... it's worth it though... yeah, it's what I always get.

Dan

Bellyaching About Work is Better Than Bellyaching About No Work

You know who sucks? Customers.

Vince: Yeah?
Dumb Customer: Mmm...yeah. Hang on.
Vince: It's cool. Not like anybody's waiting. Here at this Starbucks. At 7:30 in the morning.
(annoyed look from customer)
Dumb Customer: Then I'll just have some tea.
Vince: You're in a Starbucks. We sell coffee. What kind of coffee would you like?
Dumb Customer: You also sell tea.
Vince: Who works here? You, or me? We sell coffee.
Dumb Customer: And tea. Like that stuff right there.
(customer points behind me)
Vince: Not falling for that.
Dumb Customer: You have boxes, and boxes of tea just to the left of your head.
Vince: And my shoe's untied. I know.
(Sarah Walpole, aka Sarah the Hun, aka our new manager, walks up as the line of waiting customers threatens to queue up out the door and onto the sidewalk)
Sarah the Hun: Vincent? Turn your head to the left and sell the woman some tea.
(I turn my head to the left. I see boxes of tea.)
Vince: Well...tea is for women.

I've been asked that Dan take the shift tomorrow. All because of that Dumb Customer.

Vince out.

APRIL FOOLS!

I think there's a thin line between "pranks" and "lies," but 'tis the season so whatever.

Anyway, the BBC have a history of pulling April Fools' Day Pranks, like this one:



The best part?

"Huge numbers of viewers were taken in. Many called the BBC wanting to know how they could grow their own spaghetti tree. To this the BBC diplomatically replied, 'place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best.'"

Check out a list of other April Fools' Day Pranks at the Huffington Post.

In related news, if you swing by the Starbucks we work at, Free Americanos, all day, any size, seriously.

Dan

Talk of a Corporate Take-Over is Exaggerated

Okay guys, we need to discuss this lack of blogging.

Check this out, do you guys want to buy a surreal story? Like you give us a few bucks and we tell you something weird- "she models for potato chips!" or whatever? Does that interest you?

Of course not!*

Turns out it doesn't really interest anyone. So we, Dan and Vince, have had to get real-world jobs to support the surrealing for a little while. It's a recession. Things are tough all over, and if we make machiatos during the day, it ensures that our art can remain free from any kind of corporate-ness... Think about it:

Last night we filled a fountain with Mountain Dew brand soda, and covered the ground around it with Doritos brand Dorito chips. It's like giant chips and queso in hyper-color and backwards. This surrealing is brought to you by Pepsi Co.**

Anyway, I've got to get back to this venti caramel mocha (making it, not drinking it) but, hey, we'll talk soon. Or whatevz... we'll get our crap together soon. Thanks for reading.

Dan

* If you do want to pay, let us know, we'll work something out.
** Note to self: Approach Pepsi Co. about Fountain prank.