Patton Oswalt on Halloween (Skip to about the 3 minute mark...):
Halloween is a time for "normal" people to dress in terrifying costume and decorate their usually nice houses with horrific scenes of violence and death. Which, you know, we support. And so in that spirit, we'd like to share some ridiculous, over-the-top, dare-we-say surreal, cinematic violence. Consider it candy- for your eyes... Gross candy. Like that rogue whopper that manages to find its way into every box. It's sort of hollow and just doesn't taste right. This post is like a whole box of those...
This is the worst post ever.
I am so sorry.
Oh, and Happy Halloween!
Dan
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
POSSILBE SURREALISM IN PROGRESS - Joaquin Phoenix 'Quits' Acting
This has been big news the past few days (as the mainstream media filled time waiting for our Presidential endorsement), apparently Joaquin Phoenix has quit acting.
I'm not really a big fan of any of the movies he's been in, but the dude can act and actually seems to take the craft pretty seriously, which we respect. So, it would sort of bum us out if he stopped- mainly because his future roles would probably be given to those creepy d-bags from The Hills*.
But watch the above video... there is something weird afoot. Why is that camera following Joaquin down the red carpet? He alludes that Casey Affleck is to take over the throne of Method Actor-dom. I mean Casey Affleck is a good actor- but seriously?
This is all so weird.
Is this some sort of Andy Kaufman-esque prank? Maybe Phoenix is making some sort of Borat-ish Hollywood satire? I don't know, but he sort of seems a little too serious for something like that. But then again, maybe I only think that because he's such a good actor. Or maybe he is a closeted surrealist and he takes his surrealing seriously. If that's it Joaquin, let the PSUA know so you become eligible for our benefits (which you'll no longer get from SAG...).
Dan
* Not to be confused with The Hillz- which is technically very surreal.
Finally, Our Presidential Endorsement
Many of you have been holding your collective breath to see who (whom?) the Practicing Surrealists Union of America (PSUA) will endorse for President. You can exhale. And then you'll need to take another deep breath, becasue we're about to lay on you more history than you can possibly handle. Boom.
First, immediately before Surrealism's inception in the early 1920s, Eugene V. Debs was the Socialist Party's perennial nominee for President of the United States (1900-1920). He never made much of a showing at the polls, but when the Great Depression hit, Debs was dead and gone, FDR was in office, and a lot of the things Debs had consistently run on found their way into the New Deal.
Next, it stands to reason that as the lights dim and we settle into our seats for The Great Depression, Part II, whoever (whomever?) is the Socialist Party candidate will actually dictate our nation's future policy, no matter who's actually elected.
Next, Kurt Vonnegut, who has unassailable Surrealist street cred (he wrote himself into the novel Breakfast of Champions as the author of the book, sitting at a table in a hotel lounge with a curiously proportioned penis -- go check it out for yourself if you don't believe us), was fond of quoting this line of Debs': "While there is a lower class, I am in it; while there is a criminal element, I am of it; while there is a soul in prison, I am not free."
Next, the Socialist Party candidate for President of the United States in 2008 is on the ballot in only eight states, and California, where the PSUA is based, isn't one of them.
Therefore, we, Dan and Vince, Surrealists, of the PSUA, officially endorse Brian Moore, of the Socialist Party of the United States of America, as our candidate for President.
Because really, we know Sarah Palin's really made a run for our vote, but at the end of the day, what's more Surreal than endorsing a guy you can't even vote for?
Vince out.
First, immediately before Surrealism's inception in the early 1920s, Eugene V. Debs was the Socialist Party's perennial nominee for President of the United States (1900-1920). He never made much of a showing at the polls, but when the Great Depression hit, Debs was dead and gone, FDR was in office, and a lot of the things Debs had consistently run on found their way into the New Deal.
Next, it stands to reason that as the lights dim and we settle into our seats for The Great Depression, Part II, whoever (whomever?) is the Socialist Party candidate will actually dictate our nation's future policy, no matter who's actually elected.
Next, Kurt Vonnegut, who has unassailable Surrealist street cred (he wrote himself into the novel Breakfast of Champions as the author of the book, sitting at a table in a hotel lounge with a curiously proportioned penis -- go check it out for yourself if you don't believe us), was fond of quoting this line of Debs': "While there is a lower class, I am in it; while there is a criminal element, I am of it; while there is a soul in prison, I am not free."
Next, the Socialist Party candidate for President of the United States in 2008 is on the ballot in only eight states, and California, where the PSUA is based, isn't one of them.
Therefore, we, Dan and Vince, Surrealists, of the PSUA, officially endorse Brian Moore, of the Socialist Party of the United States of America, as our candidate for President.
Because really, we know Sarah Palin's really made a run for our vote, but at the end of the day, what's more Surreal than endorsing a guy you can't even vote for?
Vince out.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Reader E-mail: "Hello!"
We got a MySpace mesage from Lindy, she wants us to date her Mom. Can you blame her?
Well, well... Now as saucy as this is, let me add in this detail- judging by her profile picture, Lindy looks like a model, so if the apple doesn't fall far from the tree... well, you can imagine...
Anyway, we had to respond:
We'll keep you posted!
Dan
Hi! They call her "milk", 'cause she does a body good ;-)
I'm talking about my mother. She's single and would want to date a handsome guy like you She's a busy woman, she works and volunteers at an animal shelter once in a while. She plays the piano, reads books and loves to cook. She uses recipes she finds on the net. She is open-minded, laid-back, romantic and patient. She is also energetic and fun to hang around with � she's not negative and enjoys life's simple pleasures. I hope you'll write back! dont reply hear though; this is my account, she doesn't have one. Send your reply to her email address a mariestutsman@gmail.
Have fun!
Well, well... Now as saucy as this is, let me add in this detail- judging by her profile picture, Lindy looks like a model, so if the apple doesn't fall far from the tree... well, you can imagine...
Anyway, we had to respond:
Lindy,
So glad you wrote. Vince and I were just saying how we should take our surrealing to the dating-world... Your mom sound cool, I like that she's not negative, and that she, also, apparently likes to do a lot of stuff (and does do it, she doesn't just like it, she actually does it).
But, dear Lindy, I worry... Does your Mom really have the time to date, not one, but two practicing surrealists? Can she stand the constant 24/7X2 phone calls and professions of love...
"Milk, I would run through a forest of feet for you!"
"Milk, farmers wouldn't have to grow potatoes if they knew what grew in my heart for you."
"Milk, A forest of feet (shoed or unshoed) is no match for the love I have for you."
"Milk, were you at the store last week? Someone was there, they looked like you."
"Milk, the reason I was late for our date (which I forgot to tell you about) was because I tried to take a short cut through the forest of feet again- this proved to be a bad idea, because while the feet (planted in the ground ankle-first) are only about 8 inches high, my vision was obscured by the thought of you..."
Consider all of this; scheduling, surrealing and feet forests and get back to me...
Look forward to hearing from you soon,
Dan
We'll keep you posted!
Dan
Monday, October 27, 2008
Dash Snow is a Bee-yatch
As you may have noticed, we recently picked a fight with film director D.J. Caruso.
Now we're picking one with Dash Snow. Because he's a bitch, and he's everything that's wrong with art.
For example, in his collage called "F*** the Police," here's what he did: He took newspaper clippings about police, and he masturbated on them. Then he put them in frames. Then he sold them for millions of dollars.
You think that's hard? Try spending thirty days in the can for pissing on the LA Times building.
Jerking it on newspapers isn't art (and believe me, we found out the hard way...), taking pictures of your idiot friends doing blow isn't art (it's tabloid fodder, at best), and having a long beard isn't art (unless you're in Z.Z. Top). We know the word gets thrown around a lot, but do you guys know what Surrealism really is? It's putting two things next to each other that don't belong. But you can't put any two things next to each other, they have to be the right things. And Dan and I have to figure this crap out before we walk out the door in the morning, because we can't just walk down the street, we have to walk down the street and make people think, dammit. This is our life.
Where's our millions of dollars?
Vince out!
Now we're picking one with Dash Snow. Because he's a bitch, and he's everything that's wrong with art.
For example, in his collage called "F*** the Police," here's what he did: He took newspaper clippings about police, and he masturbated on them. Then he put them in frames. Then he sold them for millions of dollars.
You think that's hard? Try spending thirty days in the can for pissing on the LA Times building.
Jerking it on newspapers isn't art (and believe me, we found out the hard way...), taking pictures of your idiot friends doing blow isn't art (it's tabloid fodder, at best), and having a long beard isn't art (unless you're in Z.Z. Top). We know the word gets thrown around a lot, but do you guys know what Surrealism really is? It's putting two things next to each other that don't belong. But you can't put any two things next to each other, they have to be the right things. And Dan and I have to figure this crap out before we walk out the door in the morning, because we can't just walk down the street, we have to walk down the street and make people think, dammit. This is our life.
Where's our millions of dollars?
Vince out!
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Inanities, Part 1
Several Christmases ago, I got a pork pie hat as a gift. Then, a few birthdays later, I got several very nice silk handkerchiefs. I felt bad, staring at those things just sitting in my closet after a while, so I went out and bought a three-piece suit, and then put everything together. I looked good. I looked like Tom Waits. But then I didn't have many occasions to get all dudded up, and I felt bad about the three-piece suit purchase. So I went and bought an old Remington upright typewriter from the 1930s. I got re-dudded up, sat down at the old word grinder, and I kid you not, this came out:
"And so beauty disappeared, and color followed with it. And the ocean lost its wonder while retaining its scale, transmogrified from the captivating, flowing silk of a rippling parachute into the midnight, gaping wound of a 1940s detective movie. And trees were stripped of their power to lend life to a sidewalk, a courtyard, a public square, becoming nothing but explosions of steel wool atop light poles. All was lost, and the world retreated to gray."
And I thought "HOLY CRAP!! THIS TYPEWRITER'S MAGIC!!" But then this came out next:
"‘I would like some pie,’ is what the circle told the rhomboid, or so the story goes. Just like a circle, never wants to share with anybody. It already had pi."
And I knew that I'd broken the magic typewriter.
However, since I'd sunk all this money into my suit, this antique typewriter, and a roll-top desk (yeah, I got a little carried away), I figured I should keep using the stuff. So now, every Thursday, you can catch me at an old roll-top desk in my three-piece suit, my pork pie, with a silk hankie in my pocket, banging away at a typewriter of the approximate vitage of Surrealism itself. And I've got nothing to do with the stuff that comes out of that thing but post it here.
Lucky you!
"And so beauty disappeared, and color followed with it. And the ocean lost its wonder while retaining its scale, transmogrified from the captivating, flowing silk of a rippling parachute into the midnight, gaping wound of a 1940s detective movie. And trees were stripped of their power to lend life to a sidewalk, a courtyard, a public square, becoming nothing but explosions of steel wool atop light poles. All was lost, and the world retreated to gray."
And I thought "HOLY CRAP!! THIS TYPEWRITER'S MAGIC!!" But then this came out next:
"‘I would like some pie,’ is what the circle told the rhomboid, or so the story goes. Just like a circle, never wants to share with anybody. It already had pi."
And I knew that I'd broken the magic typewriter.
However, since I'd sunk all this money into my suit, this antique typewriter, and a roll-top desk (yeah, I got a little carried away), I figured I should keep using the stuff. So now, every Thursday, you can catch me at an old roll-top desk in my three-piece suit, my pork pie, with a silk hankie in my pocket, banging away at a typewriter of the approximate vitage of Surrealism itself. And I've got nothing to do with the stuff that comes out of that thing but post it here.
Lucky you!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
The Press Follow Our Lead... (Again...)
We've been talking about the surrealist tendencies of the McCain/Palin campaign for a while now- and it looks like the media has finally picked up on it...
Rachael Maddow makes some good points (in terms of this being dada)- but, let's be honest if you're going to vote based solely on who's more dada, you've got to go with Mike Gravel...
Dan the Surrealist
Rachael Maddow makes some good points (in terms of this being dada)- but, let's be honest if you're going to vote based solely on who's more dada, you've got to go with Mike Gravel...
Dan the Surrealist
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