Bush vs. Clinton Story Hour

Despite our extensive coverage of the 2008 Presidential Election, Dan and I are not overtly political people. We're more about subversion, really, so "participating" in the "process" isn't really our thing.

We do, however, occasionally find Surrealistic tidbits in the political world, and one of the most enduring of recent times is the bizarre friendship between George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton, which we find completely incomprehensible. However, this friendship has undeniably born much fruit...fruit like this video clip.

The Arts During the Recession

Gawker posted these images yesterday.

Hmmm. Crap! This doesn't bode well for us.

Dan

Movie Remake News

Variety has confirmed (not that that means anything) that Hillary Duff, of Lizzie Maguire fame, and Kevin Zegers, who has starred in four (count 'em, four!) AIR BUD films, will star as Bonnie and Clyde in an upcoming movie.

Now, I know most of you reading this now are like "Ow! My soul!" or "Why are my eyes suddenly bleeding!" or "Shit, I just died!" but we think this is good news. If the movie does well, it'll open the door for the DELIVERANCE remake re-teaming Michael Cera and Jonah Hill from SUPERBAD, and the long-awaited STRAW DOGS remake starring Zac Efron and directed by Catherine Hardwicke.

Yay!

Vince out.

ART WE LIKE: Kent Rogowski's Inside-out Teddy Bears

ART WE LIKE is a weekly column where we, Dan and Vince, present art that doesn't suck.
Inside-out Teddy Bears. Simultaneously cute and terrifying. Really what else can I say?

See more at Kent Rogowski's website.

Dan

Finally...Answers about Cello Scrotum

Well, the good news is Reuters is reporting that the condition "cello scrotum" doesn't really exist, and is simply a 35-year-old hoax perpetrated by two British doctors. The article goes on to suggest the same is true about the condition known as "guitar nipple."

The bad news is that this means Dan was apparently misdiagnosed. Looks like I'll be driving him back to the doctor later...

Vince out.

Who Called it? WE DID!

Further proof that we are always several steps ahead of everyone else and always will be...

Entertainment Weekly is now reporting that Joaquin Phoenix's career change is all part of some "Andy Kaufman-style hoax".

Hmmm. I wonder where I heard that before? Oh yeah- right here on this very blog!

Dan

David Lynch is on Twitter

Here's a link to David Lynch's Twitter page.

Is it really David Lynch? I don't know- who can tell anymore, but I'm going to say yes. Unlike other auteurs, Lynch can actually use a computer and the stuff he's posting is too weird- in a genuine way- to be anyone impersonating him. You won't see anything about little people talking backwards in rooms with velvet walls or any of that stuff that people for some reason consider 'Lynchian.'

What will you find? Weather reports, mainly- oh, and random thoughts of the day (like the one above), and some self-promotion of his website, telling you to visit davidlynch.com to read about... weather?

Weird, huh?

Dan

Unseen YouTube Vol. 1

Our music video for Mariah Carey's 'Touch my Body' recently passed 8,000 hits on the YouTube- which is awesome. But for some videos YouTube is a much more lonely place, so we decided, being the Kings of YouTube, we would spread the love to some formerly unseen videos.

But don't get me wrong, it's not all charity- I really do believe this is going to open up a treasure trove of oddness...

Here's goes:



This video, titled xdsd, is described simply as:

dsqd

I couldn't describe it better myself- actually, I might have included the word 'fireworks' in there somewhere, but to each his own I guess...



This video is called Forgotten Talles, not to be confused with Forgotten Tales- the band playing in this video, there's a difference between the people who make the art and the individual works of art- indicated here with the extra "l". The video is described as:

jhgfjhg

which is gibberish-talk for 'Prog-rock song about dragons'. For fun, check out the Mom at the 1:00 mark.



This video, fgfdgf, is basically some sort of presentation or church service or something- pretty boring, and with 25 views it's a bit more widely seen than most of what I want to showcase here- but then at the 6 second mark- well I don't want to ruin it... but it's awesome. Genuinely awesome- the last second is pure chaos, seriously. More terrifying than Cloverfield.

Anyway, I'm only going to do three videos today, but I think this might be my new favorite segment here... more soon.

Dan

ART WE LIKE: Monkeyman's Self-Portraits

Check out what this dude is doing. He goes by the name of Monkeyman, but I think his real name is Pierre Beteille. He apparently specializes in self-portraits, which would normally make my eyes roll right off of my face because usually it's "hey here's me with a wig... or glasses... or a wig and glasses..." And we're supposed to go "Damn! You're the next Cindy Sherman!" Well no dice! You suck! Look somewhere else for inspiration for your art- you don't have to look far, it could be like 3 inches in front of your face, just as long as it's not your boring, stupid, old face!

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, this dude does self-portraits that are good.

Check out his flickr page.

Dan

The Banana Hammer (...is not in Vince's pants)

Newsflashes from CNN:

1. There is cold weather.
2. Cold weather sucks.
3. There is apparently a hammer shortage in Minnesota.
4. This weather man is also available for really uncomfortable birthday parties.

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/weather/2009/01/15/kare.banana.hammer.cnn

Vince out.

Joaquin, Joaquin, Joaquin...

There's almost too mcuh Joaquin news for us to keep up with.

First it was revealed that P. Diddy was producing his album.

Then, we found out Casey Affleck revealed he's making a 'documentary' about Joaquin's 'non-fictional' career change from acting to rapping.

Then Joaquin gave the performance you see above where he groans like Master P before falling off the stage.

First off, P. Diddy? Does he even produce music anymore? Why would you get him to produce your album? We're not into hip-hop but even we know he is soooo 10 years ago- and why would P. Diddy get involved- because this is all fake for some sort of movie and he's a fame-whore who likes being filmed.

Whatever- listen, at this point I sort of think everyone's on to the fact that this is all some sort of movie or over-zealous viral marketing for something or something...

Anyway, we think it's fun to watch, we'll post more here soon.

Dan

Good Old Japan!

Vince found this this morning- and yes, it is surreal, so I'll post it, but also it's from Japan.

Let me explain, the Japanese could provide us with a wealth of surrealism- they are the surrealest people on the planet (don't get offended, it's not a stereotype if it's true) and this entire blog could consist of things we found when searching for "Japanese television" on YouTube.

For the most part, we don't follow this stuff- but we want everyone to know that we do acknowledge it's surreal-ness. I like to think of everything produced in Japan as basically a secret-stash of surrealism, so when the real-world gets you down you can just break the glass, watch some weird game show and then go back to your normal life and never think about it again.

Anyway, go Japan!

Dan

NEW VIDEO: 3-D Line

Next time your friend tells you he's uploaded a YouTube video- ask him how many dimensions the video uses. When he says 2, go "why don't you jump off of a bridge or eat a bunch of poison or figure out some real painful way to kill yourself." Now, that may seem harsh- but check it, we, Dan and Vince, just raised the bar as far as YouTube goes...



We, Dan and Vince, have decided to experiment (read: cash in) on the recently revived fad of 3-D. So we present our first YouTube video in THREE-DIMENSIONS.

Put on a pair of good-old fashioned Red and Blue glasses, sit-back, and enjoy!

Dan

Congress Keeps it Surreal...

With all our coverage of the 2008 election, our main concern was getting some surrealists in office. Turns out they're already there. Here's a video posted to YouTube by Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi:



The whole video is weird- and then the Rick-rolling. Weird. And the little pop-up which tell you to google Rick-rolling...?

By the way, Rick-rolling is what people describe as a meme. I hate that term and I hate "memes". Passionately. Seriously, if anyone ever describes us or this blog as a "meme" I will shoot myself in the Goddamn face. I swear.

Dan

ART WE LIKE: Amanda Palmer

Red hair, occasional corpse paint, piano, Velvet Underground references, sexually ambiguous song lyrics, a flattened German city = Vince has a crush.

Ok, so I guess there's "Art we like" and then "Artists we like" and I guess they usually overlap, but it's important to point out that they don't have to. For instance: Lee Majors. Lee Majors was The Fall Guy, therefore Lee Majors is awesome. He does not, to my knowledge, have anything to do with Surrealism. Yet he remains awesome.

Amanda Palmer, on the other hand, seems to be building up some pretty impeccable Surrealist credentials. First, she's half of the punk-cabaret band The Dresden Dolls, where she plays piano and sings with a guy playing drums. Right, we know. Cabarets were real big until like 1930, and punk came along, say, around 1970, so there never was a punk cabaret, but now we know what one would've been like, had there been one, thanks to Ms. Palmer. If Kurt Weill and Johnny Rotten had had a band, this would've been it. I mean, it's not Morton Feldman, but it's pretty Surreal.

But this fall, Ms. Palmer put out her first solo record, Who Killed Amanda Palmer (no question mark), and to commemorate the release of it, she seems to be creating her own little world. In addition to the album, there are exhaustive online production notes, a series of videos that go with each song but somehow weave together into a coherent-ish narrative, and a forthcoming book by Neil Gaiman that, as I understand it, is back-dated to something like 1964. Why? Because it's friggin' Surreal. Come on.



And, on the album, she sampled this video (which, while we're at it, we'll give Surrealist props to James Bewley, too, who created this whole Strindberg and Helium thing):



I haven't even mentioned that she's friends with Jason Webley, who plays accordion and who we also like, and she seems, you know, fun. So, yes. I admit it. I have a little bit of a crush on Amanda Palmer. But she's also Surreal.

So it's ok.

Vince out.

Your Unintentional Surrealism for the Day...

Here's a daily dose of unintentional surrealism for today.

Why today, you ask?

Because today is a special day.

What day, you ask?



Hell yeah!

Have you ever actually seen Silent Night Deadly Night Part 2. It's a weird movie- at least 30% is recycled from the original film. 40 minutes into the film all we've seen is the stuff we already saw in the first film (albeit a little less bloody)- and it includes one of our favorite unintentionally surreal devices- Characters who have flashbacks to events that they didn't personally witness.

Anyway, fabulous film. Check it out. Preferably in the double-feature DVD set with the original film- it just works better that way...

Dan

Courtney Love, Surrealist...

Courtney Love has been spewing out some incredible stream-of-consciousness, dare we say, poetry on her MySpace page, her latest is no exception...

Then, to help draw attention to her poetry YouTube user surflesbo made the video you see above.

Dan

Joaquin's Hair

We've been following whatever-the-hell is going on Joaquin Phoenix, our theory is some sort of movie... so we figure we'd post this picture of the weird hair he was sporting at a party (w/ Casey Affleck- that part might be important).

Um, that's all we've got though...

Read more at Just Jared.

Dan

ART WE LIKE: Kanye West Videos

Vince and I aren't big fans of the hip-hop music. Especially not commercial hip-hop. But I do have to admit that I have an admiration for Kanye West, if nothing else for ignoring cliches and producing some of the most interesting rap videos of the new millenium.

Example #1: The original video for "Heard 'em Say" featuring the surreal animation of Bill Plympton. (The picture will take you to Kanye West's website- sorry, I couldn't find a good embedable version...)



Example #2: The second video for "Heard 'em Say" directed by surreal filmmaker Michel Gondry.



Example #3: The alternate (and better) video for "Can't Tell me Nothin'" featuring surreal comedian Zach Galifianakis. (And yes, this is an official video).



Example #4: The video for "Flashing Lights" is the only video on this list I wouldn't describe as "surreal"- I'd say it's "detached" and "violent". Directed by Spike Jonze.

Dan

UPDATE: Now the "Can't Tell me Nothin'" video works, so you can, like, watch it and stuff...

ANNOUNCING: The First Annual Luis Awards!

So we've been thinking about it and we've decided that 2008 was a pretty good year for surreal movies... So maybe we, as surrealists, should reward them, therefore we introduce the first Annual Luis Awards, recognizing surrealism in film.



We're thinking of the following categories:

1. Most Surreal Film
2. Most Surreal Performance
3. Most Unintentionally Surreal Movie



However, we're really worried about missing maybe some of the smaller films that came out in '08, so if you can think of anything that would be appropriate please post it in the comments below.

We'll announce the nominees soon.

Dan

UPDATE: Fixed the 'Ben Button' trailer...

Studio Notes on Capucine...

Last year we shared a video of a little French girl telling a crazy story. Check it out here.

Then we saw this online:


Studio notes on Capucine's "Once Upon a Time" from Jason Ginsburg on Vimeo.

And this being the new year- and one of our new year resolutions being to stop accusing everyone of plagiarism, we won't say how this sort of reminds us of our post about Cappucine.

We won't say that. And it's funny.

Dan

Where Was the Giant Baby?

If you're like us, you saw David Fincher's The Curious Case of Benjamin Button over the holidays. And if you're like us, and other people, you were probably all disappointed about not seeing Brad Pitt as a 6 foot tall infant at the end of the movie.

Well Cinematical via MTV were disappointed to so they decided to investigate.

Here's the article...

Dan

Copyright Shmopyright!

So there's this whole Watchman controversy- this lawsuit between Warner Brothers and Fox, etc... You know what I'm talking about right? If not you can use the google and find out.

So fanboys are all upset because someone is infringing on a movie they have yet to see but somehow love. One such Fanboy is Daniel O'Brien at Cracked- who argues somehow that Fox is in the wrong for suing Warner Brothers despite the fact that they have owned the property for 20 years.

Now I'm not all that well-versed in copyright law, not am I well-versed in the specifics of the case, but I'm pretty sure that the fact that Warner Brothers' movie looks cool isn't reason enough to void out copyright law. I'm also pretty sure that whatever sort of merger occurred between Warner Brothers and DC Comics didn't somehow void all of the transactions DC had made with studios regarding its properties prior to the merger- I believe this because all the DC Comics I have paid for through out my life and now legally own did not somehow become the property of Warner Brothers- it's weird, it's almost like it you legally own something you legally own it.

Anyway, I understand the article is written largely in jest and I will admit that it makes a few valid points, is well written and funny- however, I can't help but be disturbed by this notion that because nerds are excited about something, Fox looses a property that it paid for.

Now the most appropriate form of protest would be to write an article based on some ideas currently in Mr. O'Brien's head, advertise this article before The Dark Knight, get the Fanboys excited, and when Mr. O'Brien sues for copyright infringement the Fanboys will support me and claim that he just sat on the idea- while I actually wrote the article- intellectual property be damned!

However, mind-reading technology has yet to become affordable enough for this to be feasible- so, I will simply re-print one of Mr. O'Brien's posts- on this blog.

Why? Because he's just sitting on it over there at Cracked- I'm getting it on Blogspot where people can see it and, etc, etc, etc, fanboy gibberish, etc.

Ahem:

Dear Kristen Wiig,

Enough games. Let’s stop playing around, avoiding the issue and hiding behind our various defense mechanisms. I’m taking down the walls, Kristen Wiig, and lowering the mask. I’m putting all of my cards on the table. Just look at all those sexy cards.

Will you marry me?

I know. You’re shocked. I’m a little shocked, too. I mean, I never expected us to fall in love. I assumed I’d stay a notorious internet bachelor for the rest of my days, spending my time caught up in an erotic, naked whirlwind of supermodels and corndogs. That was before you, Kristen Wiig. When you were just in TV and Movies, I thought, you were off limits. But then you stepped onto the my turf, (the internet), with your delightful new web series, and I can only assume it’s because you wanted to be closer to me.
All you had to do was ask, Kristen.

Like most people, I stopped watching SNL once Horatio Sans left, but thank God I decided to check it out again on a whim. If I didn’t, I’d have missed you, Kristen Wiig, and I think we both know just how devastating that would’ve been. Between your hilarious, all-too-real SNL characters, your scene-stealing performances in a lot of recent hit movies, and your frequent award-winning appearances in my dreams, I’ve fallen nuts-over-balls in love with you, Kristen Wiig, and I don’t think it’s presumptuous of me to say that the feeling is mutual.

So come on. Let’s stop wasting time. Let’s quit dickin’ around like a couple of dicks, and let’s get married. For real.

Why should we get married? Great friggin’ question. If I was a poet, I’d construct a sonnet detailing the reasons why. As it stands, I write for Cracked.
So I made a list.

On Things We Have in Common:

We have so much in common, Kristen Wiig, that it would be irresponsible of us not to get married. We’re both moderately famous superstars, for one thing. You’re a busy actress doing interviews in Entertainment Weekly, and I’m an influential and respected internet humorist, doing interviews in the October 2008 issue of the Campus Free Press. (The Campus Free Press is like Time Magazine, but for the internet.) I know the ups and downs of fame, Kristen Wiig. I can relate and connect on a level that you’re average John Q. NotFamousOnTheInternet can’t.

Plus, we both like stealing. In an interview with David Letterman, you said that you moved out to LA after college and, because you didn’t know the area, you illegally ripped out a map of LA from a phonebook, so you could get around. I also moved to LA right after I graduated and stole a bunch of things, (a colander from Target, 6 DVDs from Hollywood Video, and one cat from my neighbor), within a week of living here! Look at us. A couple of lawless pilgrims, we are. *
Oh, also, you like to get naked and roll around in leaves, apparently.

I do this in my backyard on a fairly regular basis. Consider this your formal invitation to join me.

Marry me.

On My Qualifications:

Kristen Wiig I would be such a great freakin’ husband to you it’s not even funny. When you get home from work, I’ll listen diligently while you talk about your day. You want to vent about your coworkers? I’m here for you, baby. You want to tell a pointless, meandering story about an experience you had purchasing shoes? I find it very interesting, and I look forward to hearing more about it. Is there an attractive woman at work who makes you feel insecure? You’re much prettier than she is, plus I’ll tell everyone that she used to have a wiener. Did you have a hard day? Are you exhausted? There’s a list of things that my hands were made to do, Kristen Wiig, and orgasm-inducing-shoulder-massages is right at the top.

Wanna exercise together? I run every day, once beat up Kimbo Slice, and can do more sit-ups than there are numbers. If the incredible physical specimen that is my body isn’t of interest to you, you should also know that I’m extremely well read. I’ve been reading and studying forever and I apply the knowledge I’ve gained in my everyday life to solve problems and resolve conflicts. I’m like a deep-dicking Encyclopedia Brown, Kristen, I swear to God.

Also, Kristen Wiig, I’m really good with knots. Hell, I won’t undersell myself on this point: I am great with knots, Kristen Wiig. Legendary. So if you’ve got, like, fishing line or yarn or ribbon or something that’s all tangled and knotty, I guarantee you I’ll be able to straighten it all out for you. I know how frustrating tricky knots can be, but I have the patience, know-how and focus that the untying of a complex knot requires.

I’m not trying to be funny. There’s no double meaning and I’m not trying to imply anything sexual, here. I’m just naturally, freakishly gifted when it comes to knots, I always have been, and I thought you should know. Above average knot-skill is just another quality I bring to the table. Just got home from work and you’re annoyed because the laces of your running shoes got tangled up in your gym bag? You just leave that to me, sweetie. Daniel will take care of it; you go ahead and take a nice bath, I already started running the water for you. And here, I poured you a glass of wine. Relax. You earned it.
And by the time you get out of your bubble bath, the knots will be gone, thanks to my remarkably skilled hands!

Marry me.


This could be our wedding cake topper.

On My Experience:

When I was like 14 or so I dated this chick named Caryn who was a lot like you in both behavior and appearance. I’m not trying to make you jealous or anything, I’m just saying that I’m already fairly well versed in dating someone that is sort of like you, so getting married to someone who is you should be a pretty seamless transition. Plenty of guys probably want to marry you, but I’d wager that I’m one of the few who has actual relevant experience on his resume’.


When Kristen dressed up as Pam, my dick’s brain exploded.

Oh, and one other thing, just some ground rules. I am totally and uncompromisingly against having children, no matter what. I think babies are stupid, there are already too many people in the world, and I hate pregnant women, so I will never want to have children.
…
Unless, of course, you want children, in which case I’ll pump you so full of kids you won’t know whether to build a crib or a warehouse, Kristen Wiig.

***

So there it is, Kristen Wiig. You can leave your response in the comments below, or you can email me or you can just meet me at our wedding, this Sunday, (I think that’ll be best).
I invited all the Cracked readers, I hope that’s cool. Also I’ll be wearing a cape.

Hugs and Kisses, Stars and Wishes,
-Dan.

Dan