The Best Movie Ever / The Worst Movie Ever

The weekend it came out The Dark Knight flew (get it? oh wait... nevermind...) to #1 on the IMDB's Top 250, obliterating The Godfather and forcing it down to the dreaded #2 spot, where it will remain until the hype dies down and people come to their senses and realize that Christian Bale's Batman voice was just damn goofy.

Anyway, this weekend saw the release of the newest opus from auteurs* Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer, Disaster Movie. And just like The Dark Knight it flew (sank) to the top (bottom) of it's own list, the IMDB's Bottom 100.

Now first off you have to consider that this means people who saw this trailer, thought "that looks sooooooooooooo funnee" (let's assume they think in typos), and then left their house and paid to see it- were disappointed!

Now while I'm sure Sam Mraovich** is relieved about this, it brings up a disturbing trend.

That's right, I'm talking about hyperbolic reactions. This is the best/worst _____ ever, for now...

Seriously hyperbolic reactions are the worst and greatest problem we as a nation have ever faced and now that they have started affecting our lists, we can no longer stand idly by!

So, here's what you do. Go to the the IMDB, give The Dark Knight the 7 or 8 it actually deserves, then go over to Disaster Movie and give it a 1.

That's right. Hyperbolic reactions aside I really do think that it is possible that Disaster Movie is the worst film ever made, so let's keep it at #1 FOREVER and not just until Paris Hilton releases another movie. It sounds crazy, I know, but we can do it. Us, You, and Sam Mraovich.

Let's make history people.

Thank to Cinematical.

Dan

* Just to clarify, that's sarcasm, these talentless hack motherfuckers are absolute proof that Hollywood sees its audience as little more than a gullible wallet that will pay for any garbage they throw at you as long as they call it comedy. And while they deserve your hatred, it is the system that allows them to exist and (holy shit!) make a living making movies that is the real enemy.

** Who I bet has a Google alert set-up for his own name. Hi Sam!

Movies Lie.

Movies lie. They're lying to you right now. Okay, well, maybe you're not like me and you don't multi-task- so you're not currently listening to the new Extreme Animals albums, watching Suspiria, and typing a blog all at once. Fine. Whatever. But I guarantee your DVD shelf is sitting there just thinking of all the crazy crap it can tell you tomorrow. And you'll believe it.

For example, the movie prostitute. In the movies prostitutes look like Jane Fonda, Mira Sorvino, or Elizabeth Shue, in the real world, not so much.

Luis Buñuel cast Catherine Deneuve as a prostitute... because he was a surrealist.

Great now you're thinking 'this dude just hired a prostitute- and now he's ranting and raving on his blog because she wasn't pretty enough. creepy.' No. That's not what's going on here, but I am ranting and raving because I was mislead by movies.

In the movies, if you go out at night and solve crimes, you're a hero. In the real world, not so much. Well maybe people appreciate it if you're a cop or a detective. But if you're just some dude in a mask with a cape...

You know, I didn't even get a chance to do anything- I was just walking around, just seeing if crime was going on, just looking, hoping I could find it. Stop it. Then go home. See, but movies, and their lies, don't tell you that it's sort of hard to just stumble upon crime (especially in the suburbs), so you've got to look. I'm sure Batman, Spider-man, etc. do this, but, you know... narrative economy- it gets cut out of the movie.

Anyway, after walking around in this mask and cape for a couple hours I got real sweaty and tired- but I decided to dedicate myself to this so I'm going to stop some crime tonight, damn it! I don't want my superhero costume gathering dust in the corner next to my pan flute.

But I needed a new approach. "Where are the local criminals?" I ask some local residents. They just sort of stared and kept walking. Now keep in mind that I wasn't really expecting to talk outside of a few witty one-liners, so I didn't really have my superhero voice down. But I knew I couldn't talk in my regular voice, unfortunately the only "fake" voice I could think of is the one I use when impersonating my ex-girlfriend- it's sort of high-pitched and I pretend to be playing with my hair when I do it, also I sort of stick my ass out and shake it around. Unfortunately all of those aspects carried over to me asking this question. Hence the reason they probably didn't answer.

Anyway, at this point I start thinking about how movies lie. Then I start thinking about prostitutes. Then I remember prostitution is illegal. Bingo.

I see two more citizens. "Where are the prostitutes in this city?" I ask them in my ex-girlfriend's voice. "Aw crap!" I then yell in my own voice. The citizens point to the corner where a gaggle of prostitutes are standing. Of course I hadn't noticed them because of the poor vision I was experiencing due to the combination of a cheap mask and sweaty eyelids.

I approach the prostitutes. I cleared my throat and said "I don't want to sound like my ex-girlfriend, so I'm not going to say anything, but I think you ladies should come with me."

Anyway, this post is already too long. But that's the story of me punching the prostitute. I just didn't want you to hear it from someone else.

Glad I could clear this up,

Dan.

Nine Inch Nails Tracks Angst via Google Earth

For those of you who don't know, Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails never had his mother tell him the whole "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" adage, and he's started giving away his milk for free (and by "milk," of course, we mean Nine Inch Nails songs, not something else entirely...get your mind out of the gutter). He fired his record company, sold some instrumental CDs for cheap, and now he's giving away the new Nine Inch Nails album.

Today, Wired.com ran an article about how Reznor has posted an interactive Google Earth file on the website showing where people have downloaded the album.



Now, as you can see from this geographic data tracking Nine Inch Nails downloads, there's apparently a whole lot of angst east of the Mississippi River. There's a little bit of angst along the West Coast, but not so much in Northern California, where everyone's drunk on vineyard tours all the time. There's a little bit of angst in the Mojave desert, but that's apparently just from people who have air conditioning. The others living there are too damn hot to have time to worry about being angsty. And then, unsurprisingly, there's almost no angst at all in Middle America. Too busy eating mom and apple pie, we assume.


There is that one big spike there in Montana or somewhere, which we assume is maybe the Unabomber's old place.


Remember the Unabomber? That was kind of a long time ago. We feel old.

Vince out.

Because Everybody Loves Haikus

We know they're not that Surreal, but we figured "Hey, everybody loves Haikus!" So enjoy.

Why'd you turn around
Girl with amazing body?
Why were you a dude?

Angsty. Sullen. Bored.
Kid who lives in our building,
You should join a band

Poop poop poop poop poop.
Call it art art art art art.
It's the next big trend.

Our heating is off
And it's goddamn cold in here.
Why don't you love us?

Hey, Marcel Duchamp
History won't forgive you
For that damn toilet.