Exit Through the Gift Shop

I have to admit, I'm really friggin' bummed about EXIT THROUGH THE GIFT SHOP.

As most of you know, Dan and I work our soul-crushing day jobs (this is a requisite for artists) at the Starbucks at Wilshire and Detroit in LA, where Detroit inexplicably goes about a half-block as a two-way and then becomes a one-way street. About a block off in either direction -- 6th street to the north, Fairfax about three blocks east, and La Brea a block west, we were seriously at ground zero for all of the street art showcased in the "documentary." Buff Monster, Mister Brainwash, even Banksy (who did a piece at our local car wash), etc, all did most of their work within shouting distance of...well, us.

First of all, for anybody who has any doubts, this "documentary" is utterly bullshit (sorry, Ty Burr in the Boston Globe). There is not a frame of this film that wasn't scripted and choreographed in advance. I feel like I can say this as 1) another weird-ass artist, and 2) a guy who lives and works right at ground zero. So, look, Academy, I know you've all got hard-ons to unmask Bansky at the awards ceremony, but this movie seriously should not even count as a documentary, because it is utter fabrication. Actually, Dan and I literally punched each other in the face for about ten minutes, trying to convince each other that people are for real taking this movie seriously, especially after the ludicrously staged third act, and we finally got tired and accepted the fact that apparently to everybody but us, this documentary kinda rings true. P-shaw.

The more I think about it, the more I kinda want to throw up. That also might be from the shots I took to the head. Dan is goddamn strong...for a bearded guy who isn't Brawny. I had no idea...I kinda always thought he was a bitch. Not Brawny. That guy's damn manly. Like, 70s porn star manly. I mean...nevermind. I love Amanda Palmer and want to have sex with her red hair. Yes. I am totally oriented to women.

Sorry. Again.

But the art thing. Look, danandvince have mad street cred after the Joaquin Phoenix thing, which is all over this blog, and you can read about until you are sleepy. So we tell you this: EXITH THROUGH THE GIFT SHOP is...half-baked. First of all, Mister Brainwash's stuff came out about the same time as all this other stuff, at least in LA, and artistically, it was every bit as valuable. You can say it was garbage, and meant nothing, just like you can say Banksy's little girl watering flowers on the side of a carwash means nothing. Or you can read significance into it, in that the juxtaposed images of Obama, Palin, and McCain in Marilyn make-up make a profound statement about the media whorishness of politicians. EXIT... would have you believe that if you took those image seriously, you're a dumbass, like all the extras they hired to show up at Mr. Brainwash's "show" at the old CBS building. Untrue. First of all, nobody that didn't live in Mid-Wilshire ever saw this stuff. I don't think there even was a real Mr. Brainwash show. Maybe there was, but Dan and I work crap hours, so maybe we missed it, but I guarantee those guys in the movie are extras.

Look. We used to be hella militant about what was art and what wasn't (we are art, everything else isn't...), and felt like everybody who didn't see things our way was re-stupi-tarded. I admit, we were wrong. But the thing is, when you get paid buckets and buckets of money for painting an elephant, you start to get really smug and superior about what is art and who can make it and what-all-else-not, but the fact is, art is beauty, and if something is beautiful to someone and they want to dump the price of a nice home on it...let them. I'm sorry they think beauty is so rare they must put such a premium on it. I recommend visiting Debs park on the east side. But nobody with money wants to drive east of the 405...their loss.

I will say this -- EXIT THROUGH THE GIFT SHOP and I'M STILL HERE are the same movie. People in each case perpetuated a giant hoax in public, and in front of video cameras, to make an obscure point about art and celebrity. EXIT... was handled better because they picked an obscure venue that didn't call attention to how it was being manipulated. But everybody who's mad at one film really should be mad at the other. This statement has the Dan and Vince guarantee.

Banksy, you're cool, but you're kind of a rich prick now. Dan and I were -- and this is no BS -- at Shepard Fairey's first solo show at the 1300 Gallery in Cleveland before anybody knew about this stuff. We were on the ground floor -- invisible, but present -- and we can smell a rat. Duchamp's point a hundred years ago was that if an artist says it's art and puts it in a gallery, it is art. Elmyr de Hory said that if you put a fake in a gallery and it hangs there long enough, it becomes real. Both were more right than you. You're saying that if an artist says it's art and puts it in a gallery anyone who believes it's actually art is stupid. You're wrong, rich guys. You made it real art, whether you meant to or not. To criticize the machine is to misunderstand the machine...in this particular case.

To summarize -- EXIT THROUGH THE GIFT SHOP will win the best documentary Oscar, because every voter in town wants to act like they were hip to what was going down in their back yard, as their limos drove them down Fairfax to the Fairbanks theater on La Cienega. Whatever. How Green Was My Valley. (that's a totally inside reference, and if you get it, you will vote for a different movie - INSIDE JOB, WAITING FOR SUPERMAN, or THE TILLMAN STORY, for instance. Or a write in for YEAR AT DANGER, which was criminally overlooked)

Vince -- in a more thoughtful mood than usual -- out.

To Clarify... (re: Jimmy Stewart and the Yeti)

Here's the thing. If you said to me "uhhh... The Smithsonian gave Jimmy Stewart the hand of a yeti because, you know, they can't have that thing sitting around in the friggin' Smithsonian- that would freak people out, so they were like 'we need to give this to someone trustworthy who can't be traced back to us' and Frank Capra was like 'I totally vouch for Jimmy Stewart... if you want to give it to that dude.' 'The actor dude?' the Smithsonian's curator would ask. 'Totally.' Capra would respond, nodding."

I would think about it, process it, and then say "that is ridiculous, but it kinda makes sense- so it seems like something you would make up in an attempt to trick me into believing it."

So I wouldn't believe you.

But if you said "Jimmy Stewart once stole a ceremonial yeti hand from a monastery in Tibet," I'd say back"but Jimmy Stewart was a good guy (except for in 'Rope') so he wouldn't steal something- and why would he be in Tibet? Your story doesn't work for numerous reasons! No one will believe this story! So... it must be true. If you were making this up, there would be some attempt on your part to use your knowledge of Jimmy Stewart and somehow create a sensible historical context- but there's none of that here, so you must not be making it up. You're not concerned with whether or not I believe it to be true- BECAUSE IT IS TRUE!"

Case closed.

Dan

Jimmy Stewart vs. the Yeti

We just heard a rumor from utterly unreliable sources that Jimmy Stewart once stole a ceremonial yeti hand from a monastery in Tibet. But then we thought about it, and decided that this is too weird to not be true.

Therefore, it is true.

Dan.

PS. We actually did hear this. More details as we investigate, or make something up.

Dan and Vince in the Robotic Video Age

It was only a matter of time, and to be honest we probably should have jumped on this bandwagon a long time ago, but here's our first entry from the land of xtranormal text-to-speech videos. Ifyou were wondering how to become a successful screenwriter, this is our take. Feel free to send this to the attention of Deadline Hollywood Daily (www.deadline.com) as well, since that would be so friggin meta. Ooooh, meta...

Surreal Blog ... the blog that may or may not exist

Uh-huh. This blog. Yep.

Vince out.

We're Still Here, Too: Surrealists Predict Joaquin's Performance Art

I really hate to blow our own horn like this, but since nobody else has done it for us, I have to point out that we predicted that this whole "I'm Sill Here" event was fake not before the movie came out, not before Magnolia pictures acquired it for distribution, not even before it was announced that Casey Affleck was directing a documentary about Joaquin's career change, not even before Joaquin went on Letterman, but even before Joaquin sent the world the message "Bye! Good" written on his knuckles. That's right, we had the scoop on this story the very day Joaquin announced he was quitting acting -- a full two years ago.

Blam. Dan & Vince = 1, Joaqanery = 0 (that's a hybridization of "Joaquin" and "chicanery," for the uninitiated).

Here are some highlights of our extensive coverage of the Joaquano ("Joaquin" and "tornado"):

Oct. 30, 2008:

"Apparently Joaquin Phoenix has quit acting...there is something weird afoot. Why is that camera following Joaquin down the red carpet? Is this some sort of Andy Kaufman-esque prank? Maybe Phoenix is making some sort of Borat-ish Hollywood satire."

Nov. 19, 2008:

"Earlier we wrote about Joaquin Phoenix quitting acting, or more likely staging some sort of weird surrealist piece of performance art, the details of which have yet to be revealed...Anyway, this whole thing is weird to me, and I'm a weird dude. I'm also easily duped, but not by this."

Nov. 24, 2008:

"A reader...responded to our last post about Joaquin Phoenix, Surrealist? with this interesting tidbit about Joaquin showing up at a club to debut his music career- his music of choice is rap, by the way. Casey Affleck was once again on hand, videotaping the action for a documentary about Joaquin's music career. Damn it this is getting exciting!"

That's right, Dan & Vince, it is getting exciting. But not as exciting as it's about to get:

Jan. 09, 2009:

"We've been following whatever-the-hell is going on Joaquin Phoenix, our theory is some sort of movie... so we figure we'd post this picture of the weird hair he was sporting at a party (w/ Casey Affleck- that part might be important)."

Jan. 21, 2009:

"There's almost too much Joaquin news for us to keep up with. First it was revealed that P. Diddy was producing his album. Then, we found out Casey Affleck revealed he's making a 'documentary' about Joaquin's 'non-fictional' career change from acting to rapping. Then Joaquin gave the performance you see above where he groans like Master P before falling off the stage...Whatever- listen, at this point I sort of think everyone's on to the fact that this is all some sort of movie or over-zealous viral marketing for something or something..."

Oh, not everybody. Not yet. That wouldn't come until mid-September 2010, after the movie was out and Casey finally spilled the beans. But before that...

Feb. 11, 2009:

"Joaquin on Letterman Tonight. Maybe Dave will get to the bottom of some of this foolishness. Or it will become even more bizarre. Either way, it will surely be an interesting chapter in this on-going saga."

At which point we got bored of the whole thing, and after some posts chronicling David Letterman's history of utterly bizarre guest appearances, we posted this and let the whole thing drop:

Mar. 13, 2009:

"Joaquzzzz.... Hey look! Yawn. Joaquin did something...Listen, dude, I know we were real supportive of this at first, but this really better be the third act of your movie because I think we're all a little sick of it."

So now all the details are out. Casey Affleck fessed up in an all-night LA diner, admitted there were multiple takes, Joaquin shaved, showed up at a film festival in a speed boat, and is looking for acting work again, and everybody's saying "Oh, we knew it was a joax ("Joaquin" and "hoax") from the start." Ok, but where's your proof?

Here's ours.

(That's not actually Joaquin...it's the real Johnny Cash)

You can click on the "Joaquin Phoenix" tag below to see the full archive of our Joaquin-related ("Joaquinated"?...no, that would be too much) posts.

There's a lot of ire, and a lot of talk of movie jail, being directed at Affleck and Joaquin right now, and sure, we may have figured it out two years ago (take that, Entertainment Weekly), but these guys managed to make a prolonged piece of performance art in full view of the public, get it released by a legitimate distributor in movie theaters around the country, and fool numerous critics, media types, and viewers into believing it was real.

Andy Warhol never did that. I'm just saying.

Vince out.

A Surrealist's Perspective: Why INCEPTION Sucks

Ok, blah blah blah INCEPTION...what's the deal with the spinning...whatever...but wait, wasn't Mombassa a lot like...never mind...and how come the kids...shut up.

Here's why INCEPTION is complete and utter garbage: It's a movie about dreams, right? Right. So here's my question -- WHERE'S THE SURREALISM?

There's a lot of slow-motion, which you could maybe say evokes the dream state kind of because whenever I need to punch somebody in my dreams for whatever reason I can only punch very, very slowly, but that just may be me. And sure, Ellen Page turns Paris upside down, but that's for like a second. And then she does some crap with a big mirror, but then that's over, too, and suddenly she's being stabbed in the stomach, which I guess teaches her to not do anything Surreal in dreamland.

They're supposed to not do anything weird in the dream, so as not to attract attention to themselves. But my question is -- in a dream -- in a real dream, not this Hollywood digi-FX mockery -- by not doing anything weird, wouldn't you be the only one actually behaving normally, and wouldn't you therefore attract attention to yourself? Take this last Saturday night -- I had a dream that me and Dan went to Vegas, and he was out shopping with Angelina Jolie and Natalie Portman, and the three of them were given several thousands of dollars worth of free merchandise at this one store. I was gambling in a casino built on the tiers of this giant fountain with escalators that used the falling water of the fountain as their frames, and I mentioned this free merch to someone, who told me it was really a scam designed to set up easy marks for a prominent ring of Vegas thieves, because the expectation was that beautiful people were more gullible. Beautiful people like Angelina Jolie, Natalie Portman, and Dan.

None of this makes any sense, right? Right. Because IT WAS A DREAM. Does INCEPTION make sense? Yes. Maybe it's a little confusing in parts, but it makes sense. Where are the waterfall escalators? Where is Martin Scorcesse in a Van Gogh? And where is Tom Waits as the Devil?

Take that, Chris Nolan.

But, apart from that, I thought the rest of the movie -- you know, the acting, the plot, the storytelling, the Marion Cotillard, that stuff -- was really good. Like, really, really good. And the thing was totally going to fall. You know what I'm talking about.

Totally going to fall.

Vince out.