Dan and Vince in the Robotic Video Age

It was only a matter of time, and to be honest we probably should have jumped on this bandwagon a long time ago, but here's our first entry from the land of xtranormal text-to-speech videos. Ifyou were wondering how to become a successful screenwriter, this is our take. Feel free to send this to the attention of Deadline Hollywood Daily (www.deadline.com) as well, since that would be so friggin meta. Ooooh, meta...

Surreal Blog ... the blog that may or may not exist

Uh-huh. This blog. Yep.

Vince out.

We're Still Here, Too: Surrealists Predict Joaquin's Performance Art

I really hate to blow our own horn like this, but since nobody else has done it for us, I have to point out that we predicted that this whole "I'm Sill Here" event was fake not before the movie came out, not before Magnolia pictures acquired it for distribution, not even before it was announced that Casey Affleck was directing a documentary about Joaquin's career change, not even before Joaquin went on Letterman, but even before Joaquin sent the world the message "Bye! Good" written on his knuckles. That's right, we had the scoop on this story the very day Joaquin announced he was quitting acting -- a full two years ago.

Blam. Dan & Vince = 1, Joaqanery = 0 (that's a hybridization of "Joaquin" and "chicanery," for the uninitiated).

Here are some highlights of our extensive coverage of the Joaquano ("Joaquin" and "tornado"):

Oct. 30, 2008:

"Apparently Joaquin Phoenix has quit acting...there is something weird afoot. Why is that camera following Joaquin down the red carpet? Is this some sort of Andy Kaufman-esque prank? Maybe Phoenix is making some sort of Borat-ish Hollywood satire."

Nov. 19, 2008:

"Earlier we wrote about Joaquin Phoenix quitting acting, or more likely staging some sort of weird surrealist piece of performance art, the details of which have yet to be revealed...Anyway, this whole thing is weird to me, and I'm a weird dude. I'm also easily duped, but not by this."

Nov. 24, 2008:

"A reader...responded to our last post about Joaquin Phoenix, Surrealist? with this interesting tidbit about Joaquin showing up at a club to debut his music career- his music of choice is rap, by the way. Casey Affleck was once again on hand, videotaping the action for a documentary about Joaquin's music career. Damn it this is getting exciting!"

That's right, Dan & Vince, it is getting exciting. But not as exciting as it's about to get:

Jan. 09, 2009:

"We've been following whatever-the-hell is going on Joaquin Phoenix, our theory is some sort of movie... so we figure we'd post this picture of the weird hair he was sporting at a party (w/ Casey Affleck- that part might be important)."

Jan. 21, 2009:

"There's almost too much Joaquin news for us to keep up with. First it was revealed that P. Diddy was producing his album. Then, we found out Casey Affleck revealed he's making a 'documentary' about Joaquin's 'non-fictional' career change from acting to rapping. Then Joaquin gave the performance you see above where he groans like Master P before falling off the stage...Whatever- listen, at this point I sort of think everyone's on to the fact that this is all some sort of movie or over-zealous viral marketing for something or something..."

Oh, not everybody. Not yet. That wouldn't come until mid-September 2010, after the movie was out and Casey finally spilled the beans. But before that...

Feb. 11, 2009:

"Joaquin on Letterman Tonight. Maybe Dave will get to the bottom of some of this foolishness. Or it will become even more bizarre. Either way, it will surely be an interesting chapter in this on-going saga."

At which point we got bored of the whole thing, and after some posts chronicling David Letterman's history of utterly bizarre guest appearances, we posted this and let the whole thing drop:

Mar. 13, 2009:

"Joaquzzzz.... Hey look! Yawn. Joaquin did something...Listen, dude, I know we were real supportive of this at first, but this really better be the third act of your movie because I think we're all a little sick of it."

So now all the details are out. Casey Affleck fessed up in an all-night LA diner, admitted there were multiple takes, Joaquin shaved, showed up at a film festival in a speed boat, and is looking for acting work again, and everybody's saying "Oh, we knew it was a joax ("Joaquin" and "hoax") from the start." Ok, but where's your proof?

Here's ours.

(That's not actually Joaquin...it's the real Johnny Cash)

You can click on the "Joaquin Phoenix" tag below to see the full archive of our Joaquin-related ("Joaquinated"?...no, that would be too much) posts.

There's a lot of ire, and a lot of talk of movie jail, being directed at Affleck and Joaquin right now, and sure, we may have figured it out two years ago (take that, Entertainment Weekly), but these guys managed to make a prolonged piece of performance art in full view of the public, get it released by a legitimate distributor in movie theaters around the country, and fool numerous critics, media types, and viewers into believing it was real.

Andy Warhol never did that. I'm just saying.

Vince out.

A Surrealist's Perspective: Why INCEPTION Sucks

Ok, blah blah blah INCEPTION...what's the deal with the spinning...whatever...but wait, wasn't Mombassa a lot like...never mind...and how come the kids...shut up.

Here's why INCEPTION is complete and utter garbage: It's a movie about dreams, right? Right. So here's my question -- WHERE'S THE SURREALISM?

There's a lot of slow-motion, which you could maybe say evokes the dream state kind of because whenever I need to punch somebody in my dreams for whatever reason I can only punch very, very slowly, but that just may be me. And sure, Ellen Page turns Paris upside down, but that's for like a second. And then she does some crap with a big mirror, but then that's over, too, and suddenly she's being stabbed in the stomach, which I guess teaches her to not do anything Surreal in dreamland.

They're supposed to not do anything weird in the dream, so as not to attract attention to themselves. But my question is -- in a dream -- in a real dream, not this Hollywood digi-FX mockery -- by not doing anything weird, wouldn't you be the only one actually behaving normally, and wouldn't you therefore attract attention to yourself? Take this last Saturday night -- I had a dream that me and Dan went to Vegas, and he was out shopping with Angelina Jolie and Natalie Portman, and the three of them were given several thousands of dollars worth of free merchandise at this one store. I was gambling in a casino built on the tiers of this giant fountain with escalators that used the falling water of the fountain as their frames, and I mentioned this free merch to someone, who told me it was really a scam designed to set up easy marks for a prominent ring of Vegas thieves, because the expectation was that beautiful people were more gullible. Beautiful people like Angelina Jolie, Natalie Portman, and Dan.

None of this makes any sense, right? Right. Because IT WAS A DREAM. Does INCEPTION make sense? Yes. Maybe it's a little confusing in parts, but it makes sense. Where are the waterfall escalators? Where is Martin Scorcesse in a Van Gogh? And where is Tom Waits as the Devil?

Take that, Chris Nolan.

But, apart from that, I thought the rest of the movie -- you know, the acting, the plot, the storytelling, the Marion Cotillard, that stuff -- was really good. Like, really, really good. And the thing was totally going to fall. You know what I'm talking about.

Totally going to fall.

Vince out.

New Andrew WK Video

As we've said before, we like everything about Andrew W.K. except his music. Which is kind of a shame. But this new video is really cool (it's directed by Peter Glantz, who directed the Lightning Bolt documentary The Power of Salad) and even we have to admit the song is really catchy.

Dan

Marion Cotillard

It's pretty hard to not have a crush on Marion Cotillard. She's pretty. Sure. Sure. But she's also a good actress. Like real good. And if that wasn't enough- did you know she is in, what Vanity Fair describes as, an Expressionist-Surrealist band?

On playing in the Expressionist-Surrealist band Yodelice fronted by composer Mazim Nucci:
"I play the bass guitar, keyboard, and tambourine--I'm their one-woman band and all-purpose maid," Cotillard explains. She's taken to appearing with Yodelice on tour, dressed as a man, under "Simone," the name of her maternal grandmother. "It's pretty refreshing to be in a situation where the spotlight is on someone else."

Now, you can check out the band on their MySpace page (is this 2004? Did France not get the memo re:Facebook?)- and you might think "this is just some interesting singer-songwriter stuff- I don't get the surrealist angle" to which I would respond "YOU SHUT YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH! DON'T YOU EVER- E!V!E!R!- SAY ANYTHING THAT IN ANY WAY CONTRADICTS SOMETHING THE LOVELY SURREALIST MS. COTILLARD SAYS OR EVEN IMPLIES! EVER!" "My issue was really more with Vanity Fair's descript-" "I WILL PUNCH YOU- IN THE FACE- WITH MY HAND!"

Also, she did something with some other band... um, but with singing... What band was it? The Arctic Monkeys- or The Killers- one of those bands I don't really care about... Coldplay? Are Coldplay still together? I don't know. What do I look like? Pitchfork?

Dan

Fart Potato

Fart Potato, everybody. (NSFW Language)



You're probably all "you guys haven't blogged in forever- then you randomly post some video you made called 'fart potato' with no explanation?"

To which I reply, "we didn't make this video, we had nothing to do with it, we're just sharing it- that's important for you to know, we did not make this."

Dan