We're Still Here, Too: Surrealists Predict Joaquin's Performance Art

I really hate to blow our own horn like this, but since nobody else has done it for us, I have to point out that we predicted that this whole "I'm Sill Here" event was fake not before the movie came out, not before Magnolia pictures acquired it for distribution, not even before it was announced that Casey Affleck was directing a documentary about Joaquin's career change, not even before Joaquin went on Letterman, but even before Joaquin sent the world the message "Bye! Good" written on his knuckles. That's right, we had the scoop on this story the very day Joaquin announced he was quitting acting -- a full two years ago.

Blam. Dan & Vince = 1, Joaqanery = 0 (that's a hybridization of "Joaquin" and "chicanery," for the uninitiated).

Here are some highlights of our extensive coverage of the Joaquano ("Joaquin" and "tornado"):

Oct. 30, 2008:

"Apparently Joaquin Phoenix has quit acting...there is something weird afoot. Why is that camera following Joaquin down the red carpet? Is this some sort of Andy Kaufman-esque prank? Maybe Phoenix is making some sort of Borat-ish Hollywood satire."

Nov. 19, 2008:

"Earlier we wrote about Joaquin Phoenix quitting acting, or more likely staging some sort of weird surrealist piece of performance art, the details of which have yet to be revealed...Anyway, this whole thing is weird to me, and I'm a weird dude. I'm also easily duped, but not by this."

Nov. 24, 2008:

"A reader...responded to our last post about Joaquin Phoenix, Surrealist? with this interesting tidbit about Joaquin showing up at a club to debut his music career- his music of choice is rap, by the way. Casey Affleck was once again on hand, videotaping the action for a documentary about Joaquin's music career. Damn it this is getting exciting!"

That's right, Dan & Vince, it is getting exciting. But not as exciting as it's about to get:

Jan. 09, 2009:

"We've been following whatever-the-hell is going on Joaquin Phoenix, our theory is some sort of movie... so we figure we'd post this picture of the weird hair he was sporting at a party (w/ Casey Affleck- that part might be important)."

Jan. 21, 2009:

"There's almost too much Joaquin news for us to keep up with. First it was revealed that P. Diddy was producing his album. Then, we found out Casey Affleck revealed he's making a 'documentary' about Joaquin's 'non-fictional' career change from acting to rapping. Then Joaquin gave the performance you see above where he groans like Master P before falling off the stage...Whatever- listen, at this point I sort of think everyone's on to the fact that this is all some sort of movie or over-zealous viral marketing for something or something..."

Oh, not everybody. Not yet. That wouldn't come until mid-September 2010, after the movie was out and Casey finally spilled the beans. But before that...

Feb. 11, 2009:

"Joaquin on Letterman Tonight. Maybe Dave will get to the bottom of some of this foolishness. Or it will become even more bizarre. Either way, it will surely be an interesting chapter in this on-going saga."

At which point we got bored of the whole thing, and after some posts chronicling David Letterman's history of utterly bizarre guest appearances, we posted this and let the whole thing drop:

Mar. 13, 2009:

"Joaquzzzz.... Hey look! Yawn. Joaquin did something...Listen, dude, I know we were real supportive of this at first, but this really better be the third act of your movie because I think we're all a little sick of it."

So now all the details are out. Casey Affleck fessed up in an all-night LA diner, admitted there were multiple takes, Joaquin shaved, showed up at a film festival in a speed boat, and is looking for acting work again, and everybody's saying "Oh, we knew it was a joax ("Joaquin" and "hoax") from the start." Ok, but where's your proof?

Here's ours.

(That's not actually Joaquin...it's the real Johnny Cash)

You can click on the "Joaquin Phoenix" tag below to see the full archive of our Joaquin-related ("Joaquinated"?...no, that would be too much) posts.

There's a lot of ire, and a lot of talk of movie jail, being directed at Affleck and Joaquin right now, and sure, we may have figured it out two years ago (take that, Entertainment Weekly), but these guys managed to make a prolonged piece of performance art in full view of the public, get it released by a legitimate distributor in movie theaters around the country, and fool numerous critics, media types, and viewers into believing it was real.

Andy Warhol never did that. I'm just saying.

Vince out.

A Surrealist's Perspective: Why INCEPTION Sucks

Ok, blah blah blah INCEPTION...what's the deal with the spinning...whatever...but wait, wasn't Mombassa a lot like...never mind...and how come the kids...shut up.

Here's why INCEPTION is complete and utter garbage: It's a movie about dreams, right? Right. So here's my question -- WHERE'S THE SURREALISM?

There's a lot of slow-motion, which you could maybe say evokes the dream state kind of because whenever I need to punch somebody in my dreams for whatever reason I can only punch very, very slowly, but that just may be me. And sure, Ellen Page turns Paris upside down, but that's for like a second. And then she does some crap with a big mirror, but then that's over, too, and suddenly she's being stabbed in the stomach, which I guess teaches her to not do anything Surreal in dreamland.

They're supposed to not do anything weird in the dream, so as not to attract attention to themselves. But my question is -- in a dream -- in a real dream, not this Hollywood digi-FX mockery -- by not doing anything weird, wouldn't you be the only one actually behaving normally, and wouldn't you therefore attract attention to yourself? Take this last Saturday night -- I had a dream that me and Dan went to Vegas, and he was out shopping with Angelina Jolie and Natalie Portman, and the three of them were given several thousands of dollars worth of free merchandise at this one store. I was gambling in a casino built on the tiers of this giant fountain with escalators that used the falling water of the fountain as their frames, and I mentioned this free merch to someone, who told me it was really a scam designed to set up easy marks for a prominent ring of Vegas thieves, because the expectation was that beautiful people were more gullible. Beautiful people like Angelina Jolie, Natalie Portman, and Dan.

None of this makes any sense, right? Right. Because IT WAS A DREAM. Does INCEPTION make sense? Yes. Maybe it's a little confusing in parts, but it makes sense. Where are the waterfall escalators? Where is Martin Scorcesse in a Van Gogh? And where is Tom Waits as the Devil?

Take that, Chris Nolan.

But, apart from that, I thought the rest of the movie -- you know, the acting, the plot, the storytelling, the Marion Cotillard, that stuff -- was really good. Like, really, really good. And the thing was totally going to fall. You know what I'm talking about.

Totally going to fall.

Vince out.

New Andrew WK Video

As we've said before, we like everything about Andrew W.K. except his music. Which is kind of a shame. But this new video is really cool (it's directed by Peter Glantz, who directed the Lightning Bolt documentary The Power of Salad) and even we have to admit the song is really catchy.

Dan

Marion Cotillard

It's pretty hard to not have a crush on Marion Cotillard. She's pretty. Sure. Sure. But she's also a good actress. Like real good. And if that wasn't enough- did you know she is in, what Vanity Fair describes as, an Expressionist-Surrealist band?

On playing in the Expressionist-Surrealist band Yodelice fronted by composer Mazim Nucci:
"I play the bass guitar, keyboard, and tambourine--I'm their one-woman band and all-purpose maid," Cotillard explains. She's taken to appearing with Yodelice on tour, dressed as a man, under "Simone," the name of her maternal grandmother. "It's pretty refreshing to be in a situation where the spotlight is on someone else."

Now, you can check out the band on their MySpace page (is this 2004? Did France not get the memo re:Facebook?)- and you might think "this is just some interesting singer-songwriter stuff- I don't get the surrealist angle" to which I would respond "YOU SHUT YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH! DON'T YOU EVER- E!V!E!R!- SAY ANYTHING THAT IN ANY WAY CONTRADICTS SOMETHING THE LOVELY SURREALIST MS. COTILLARD SAYS OR EVEN IMPLIES! EVER!" "My issue was really more with Vanity Fair's descript-" "I WILL PUNCH YOU- IN THE FACE- WITH MY HAND!"

Also, she did something with some other band... um, but with singing... What band was it? The Arctic Monkeys- or The Killers- one of those bands I don't really care about... Coldplay? Are Coldplay still together? I don't know. What do I look like? Pitchfork?

Dan

Fart Potato

Fart Potato, everybody. (NSFW Language)



You're probably all "you guys haven't blogged in forever- then you randomly post some video you made called 'fart potato' with no explanation?"

To which I reply, "we didn't make this video, we had nothing to do with it, we're just sharing it- that's important for you to know, we did not make this."

Dan

Most Boring Webcam Ever?

The Hollywood Sign now has its own webcam. Since physical access to the sign is restricted, probably nobody's going to show up on the feed. And since the weather is pretty much constant this time of year in sunny, smoggy Los Angeles, probably not much is going to take place in the little bit of blue area around the sign in the feed. And since they don't really light the sign up at night anymore for fear of terrorist attacks, we're told, I'm guessing about 10 hours a day of this site will just be black.

I'm really hoping that this is a dupe, and that instead of an actual live webcam, the webmaster at www.hollywoodsign.org has simply put up a still picture of the sign, and then at night just puts up a black square. That would be pretty Surreal. Although, there is a lot of Surrealism-merit in putting a live webcam on an inanimate object no one can physically access, and which therefore offers no possibility of anything interesting happening on the webcam feed. Ever.

We're taking comments. What's more Surreal: Live webcam of something inherently boring, or faked live webcam (read: still picture) of something inherently boring?

Vince out.

Get Surrealism on Sesame Street

Watch more cool animation and creative cartoons at Aniboom

Some friends of ours made this surreal cartoon (yes, we do have friends- we met them on a Yahoo Message Board). They used an animation process that involved making figures out of clay, photographing them, and then painting and detailing them in Photoshop... They're currently competing for a spot on Sesame Street, which we really support since getting surrealism on Sesame Street will help indoctrinate the young and... um, I've said too much already. Anyway, watch it- then if you like it vote for it and send it to your friends.

Also, I'll get to back to blogging regularly at some point in the near future, but until then- hey! Look at that!

Dan

Surreal Medical Instructions

I have bronchitis, which sucks, but it will all be worth it if our readers share the same appreciation for these completely insane instructions I just got for this new inhaler. There has been a lot of digital ink spilled about Engrish instructions, so I won't go into that. But illustrated, language-independent instructions are catching on, and there are some basic insanities sewn into the fabric of those, too.

I got a medicated inhaler, which I guess is what asthmatic people have, but I'm supposed to spray it into this bottle and then breathe from the bottle. These are the instructions I received for the contraption, and my interpretation for each of the illustrated steps.


Step 1: Remove caps from bottle and inhaler.
Step 2: Insert bottle into eyeball.
Step 3: Attempt to detonate bottle. (I have no idea, though. This one's a mystery).
Step 4: Breathe from bottle. Do not listen to music.

Ok, I feel like ass, so it won't REALLY all be worth it if you guys appreciate this health care industry Surrealism, but we've got this blog, and I can't keep putting angry beavers on it.

Vince out.

In Honor of Akira Kurosawa's 100th B-Day

A thought concerning the greatness of Akira Kurosawa, on the occasion of what would have been his 100th birthday:

If the films of Ingmar Bergman, Alfred Hitchcock, Francois Truffaut, and the films of Akira Kurosawa mud-wrestled -- with the films of Jean-Luc Godard standing just outside the ring, poking everybody with a stick -- Kurosawa's would win, and win so inspiringly, that Hollywood would remake the mudwrestling match with A-list actors.

Thank you.

Duluth Trading Company

Now, we hate commercials as much as the next guy, and since Sunday was the Super Bowl of Commercials, we decided to highlight actual, worthy commercials. We've been looking since last Tuesday, and couldn't find any.

Then suddenly we did. They were all made by the Duluth Trading Company.





They sell pants and things.

Vince out.

Oprah Arrested in FedEx Anthrax Plot

The Atlantic, one of the nation's most prominent magazines, reports that Oprah Winfrey has been arrested for her involvement in a plot involving sending anthrax via FedEx. The magazine reports that Martha Lewis, a 57-year-old retired nurse, ironically received an innocent-looking FedEx envelope from Oprah while watching the mega-star's television show, and things apparently just totally went to hell from there.

This is a shocking development. No word yet on what this will mean for Oprah's Discovery Communications OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network) plans.

You can read more here.

Vince out.

Site Update!

1. We haven't blogged much here. But we are still alive! In addition we are still being us, and, in case you've forgotten, we are art, ergo we are still making art by just living. So we're still around and we're still working, and most importantly, not dead. We're just not blogging all that much. However, this site remains the go-to-place for D'n'V related news, so check in regularly to see what we're up to, or follow us on Google Reader or- hey- TWITTER!

2. Here are some videos of us doing our art (one at the top, one below this paragraph). They're not new. In fact they're old. But they're art. And we're still doing this stuff, we're just not videotaping it- because Vince had to hock his DV camera after the "mall fountain" incident of 2007. Malls don't like art. Apparently.



3. I'm also going to go ahead and kill off our Twit-formance piece @fakecelebrity. I think it's run its course. I may change my mind, but right now I'm thinking this is best. We've barely been able to keep up this blog and the @danandvince Twitter account so another one was just too damn much. Good-bye old friend.

Talk soon?

Dan

2 New Movies!

We, Dan and Vince, HAVE been doing stuff. Like what? Uh, how about making movies. And since we just made them today, neither was eligible for an Oscar- at least not this year.

One is up there, the other one is right here.



These are from Vimeo. If you're on Vimeo, you should become our friend or however it works. We've also got YouTube versions of the clips here and here.

Watch all of them 1 million times!

Dan

Just ot Clarify...

We decided to take a break from our current non-blogging to show where our allegiance lies in the whole NBC-Late Night-Tonigh Show-Conan-Leno thing. It shouldn't be a surprise...



Also, Jimmy Kimmel did his entire show as Jay Leno last night. That's the sort of thing that we should appreciate, and we do. Here's a link to some of it.

Dan