A Surrealist's Perspective: Why INCEPTION Sucks

Ok, blah blah blah INCEPTION...what's the deal with the spinning...whatever...but wait, wasn't Mombassa a lot like...never mind...and how come the kids...shut up.

Here's why INCEPTION is complete and utter garbage: It's a movie about dreams, right? Right. So here's my question -- WHERE'S THE SURREALISM?

There's a lot of slow-motion, which you could maybe say evokes the dream state kind of because whenever I need to punch somebody in my dreams for whatever reason I can only punch very, very slowly, but that just may be me. And sure, Ellen Page turns Paris upside down, but that's for like a second. And then she does some crap with a big mirror, but then that's over, too, and suddenly she's being stabbed in the stomach, which I guess teaches her to not do anything Surreal in dreamland.

They're supposed to not do anything weird in the dream, so as not to attract attention to themselves. But my question is -- in a dream -- in a real dream, not this Hollywood digi-FX mockery -- by not doing anything weird, wouldn't you be the only one actually behaving normally, and wouldn't you therefore attract attention to yourself? Take this last Saturday night -- I had a dream that me and Dan went to Vegas, and he was out shopping with Angelina Jolie and Natalie Portman, and the three of them were given several thousands of dollars worth of free merchandise at this one store. I was gambling in a casino built on the tiers of this giant fountain with escalators that used the falling water of the fountain as their frames, and I mentioned this free merch to someone, who told me it was really a scam designed to set up easy marks for a prominent ring of Vegas thieves, because the expectation was that beautiful people were more gullible. Beautiful people like Angelina Jolie, Natalie Portman, and Dan.

None of this makes any sense, right? Right. Because IT WAS A DREAM. Does INCEPTION make sense? Yes. Maybe it's a little confusing in parts, but it makes sense. Where are the waterfall escalators? Where is Martin Scorcesse in a Van Gogh? And where is Tom Waits as the Devil?

Take that, Chris Nolan.

But, apart from that, I thought the rest of the movie -- you know, the acting, the plot, the storytelling, the Marion Cotillard, that stuff -- was really good. Like, really, really good. And the thing was totally going to fall. You know what I'm talking about.

Totally going to fall.

Vince out.

New Andrew WK Video

As we've said before, we like everything about Andrew W.K. except his music. Which is kind of a shame. But this new video is really cool (it's directed by Peter Glantz, who directed the Lightning Bolt documentary The Power of Salad) and even we have to admit the song is really catchy.

Dan

Marion Cotillard

It's pretty hard to not have a crush on Marion Cotillard. She's pretty. Sure. Sure. But she's also a good actress. Like real good. And if that wasn't enough- did you know she is in, what Vanity Fair describes as, an Expressionist-Surrealist band?

On playing in the Expressionist-Surrealist band Yodelice fronted by composer Mazim Nucci:
"I play the bass guitar, keyboard, and tambourine--I'm their one-woman band and all-purpose maid," Cotillard explains. She's taken to appearing with Yodelice on tour, dressed as a man, under "Simone," the name of her maternal grandmother. "It's pretty refreshing to be in a situation where the spotlight is on someone else."

Now, you can check out the band on their MySpace page (is this 2004? Did France not get the memo re:Facebook?)- and you might think "this is just some interesting singer-songwriter stuff- I don't get the surrealist angle" to which I would respond "YOU SHUT YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH! DON'T YOU EVER- E!V!E!R!- SAY ANYTHING THAT IN ANY WAY CONTRADICTS SOMETHING THE LOVELY SURREALIST MS. COTILLARD SAYS OR EVEN IMPLIES! EVER!" "My issue was really more with Vanity Fair's descript-" "I WILL PUNCH YOU- IN THE FACE- WITH MY HAND!"

Also, she did something with some other band... um, but with singing... What band was it? The Arctic Monkeys- or The Killers- one of those bands I don't really care about... Coldplay? Are Coldplay still together? I don't know. What do I look like? Pitchfork?

Dan

Fart Potato

Fart Potato, everybody. (NSFW Language)



You're probably all "you guys haven't blogged in forever- then you randomly post some video you made called 'fart potato' with no explanation?"

To which I reply, "we didn't make this video, we had nothing to do with it, we're just sharing it- that's important for you to know, we did not make this."

Dan

Most Boring Webcam Ever?

The Hollywood Sign now has its own webcam. Since physical access to the sign is restricted, probably nobody's going to show up on the feed. And since the weather is pretty much constant this time of year in sunny, smoggy Los Angeles, probably not much is going to take place in the little bit of blue area around the sign in the feed. And since they don't really light the sign up at night anymore for fear of terrorist attacks, we're told, I'm guessing about 10 hours a day of this site will just be black.

I'm really hoping that this is a dupe, and that instead of an actual live webcam, the webmaster at www.hollywoodsign.org has simply put up a still picture of the sign, and then at night just puts up a black square. That would be pretty Surreal. Although, there is a lot of Surrealism-merit in putting a live webcam on an inanimate object no one can physically access, and which therefore offers no possibility of anything interesting happening on the webcam feed. Ever.

We're taking comments. What's more Surreal: Live webcam of something inherently boring, or faked live webcam (read: still picture) of something inherently boring?

Vince out.

Get Surrealism on Sesame Street

Watch more cool animation and creative cartoons at Aniboom

Some friends of ours made this surreal cartoon (yes, we do have friends- we met them on a Yahoo Message Board). They used an animation process that involved making figures out of clay, photographing them, and then painting and detailing them in Photoshop... They're currently competing for a spot on Sesame Street, which we really support since getting surrealism on Sesame Street will help indoctrinate the young and... um, I've said too much already. Anyway, watch it- then if you like it vote for it and send it to your friends.

Also, I'll get to back to blogging regularly at some point in the near future, but until then- hey! Look at that!

Dan

Surreal Medical Instructions

I have bronchitis, which sucks, but it will all be worth it if our readers share the same appreciation for these completely insane instructions I just got for this new inhaler. There has been a lot of digital ink spilled about Engrish instructions, so I won't go into that. But illustrated, language-independent instructions are catching on, and there are some basic insanities sewn into the fabric of those, too.

I got a medicated inhaler, which I guess is what asthmatic people have, but I'm supposed to spray it into this bottle and then breathe from the bottle. These are the instructions I received for the contraption, and my interpretation for each of the illustrated steps.


Step 1: Remove caps from bottle and inhaler.
Step 2: Insert bottle into eyeball.
Step 3: Attempt to detonate bottle. (I have no idea, though. This one's a mystery).
Step 4: Breathe from bottle. Do not listen to music.

Ok, I feel like ass, so it won't REALLY all be worth it if you guys appreciate this health care industry Surrealism, but we've got this blog, and I can't keep putting angry beavers on it.

Vince out.