Put on your mitts, 'cause we're pitching ideas

We had a pitch meeting at a studio (which shall remain nameless) today, and I think it went pretty great. Here’s the idea:

So there’s this guy, right? We’ll call him Chuck. And he’s swimming in this vast ocean of soup –that’s not imagery, we mean honest-to-God corn chowder – but he’s running out of energy, because corn chowder’s thick stuff, and he sees this buoy nearby. He swims for it. But when he reaches the buoy, it turns into a jug of milk. And the milk says “Things are not as they appear, no?” before it turns into an albatross and flies away, landing in the boat of an old sailor. So Chuck drowns.

Or at least, he goes under. Chuck’s freaking out. He’s gonna die. Because you can’t breathe in corn chowder. Matter of fact, you can’t breathe in any kind of chowder. So he decides he’s had enough, he’s made his peace, and he opens his mouth to swallow the lethal chowder...and nothing happens. He doesn’t die. He can breathe, even. But it’s getting dark as he descends, so he lights a match, starts moving toward these ethereal, singing voices. And then his match goes out. Darkness.

Chuck opens his eyes, and he’s in bed. He gets out of bed, puts on his slippers, brushes his teeth, eats two waffles, two strips of bacon, drinks a cup of OJ and a cup of coffee, little bit of cream, two sugar cubes (that’s right, he still uses cubes), gets dressed right after breakfast because I guess he’s one of those guys who showers at night, and then Chuck goes to work. He’s some kind of analyst, and he sits in a couple of meetings, that kind of thing, wraps up his day, sits in rush hour, makes it home where he takes his dog for a walk, watches a movie on cable, orders Chinese in, and turns in early.

But suddenly Chuck wakes up, and he’s surrounded by these mermaids. They live in the chowder, only it’s not chowder anymore, it’s regular water, but it’s murky. Chuck’s bound, but he meets a friendly fiddler crab who cuts him loose, even though it means death to do so. Chuck gets free and does battle with the Mer-king, vanquishing him, and breaking the magic spell that held all those Playboy Playmates in the (figurative) bondage of undersea slavery. So Chuck and the now fully-legged Playmates suddenly find themselves on a Polynesian island paradise, attended to hand and foot by helper monkeys. The Playmates are very, very grateful for Chuck’s bravery as we fade out.

So that’s the pitch. The whole movie’s a dream, but it’s got this “awake sequence” in it, which is backward from how it usually works, and I think we made a pretty good case for this being “the next big thing.”

Our agent said we should hear back by Monday.

Vince out.

Tonight! Tonight! Tonight! (Read this Today!)

I'm happy to announce we're having a fashion show tonight! Here's the press release:


On Saturday, January 20th, 2007 Dan and Vince will be holding a fashion show at the Tupperware Bowl in Los Angeles, CA.
...wait... no...

...Dan and Vince will be holding a fashion show IN the Tupperware Bowl in Los Angeles, CA.
...hmmm... that could sound more interesting... It needs a name... A-ha!

...Dan and Vince will be holding FASHION SALAD in the Tupperware Bowl in Los Angeles, CA.
Yeah, Fashion Salad... I like that...

What Vince? Really? Okay. Yeah... No... I mean... if that's accurate, that's what I'll say. I don't want people to be confused.

...Dan and Vince will be holding Fashion Salad in A Tupperware Bowl in Los Angeles, CA.
You're right, that is nice.

What? No shit! Why did I make that typo? And why did I make it so many times? What is wrong with me today?

...Dan and Vince will be holding POTATO Salad in a Tupperware Bowl in Los Angeles, CA.
There we are...

On Saturday, January 20th, 2007 Dan and Vince will be holding Potato Salad in a Tupperware Bowl in Los Angeles, CA. Then they will scoop it into two smaller ceramic bowls (one for Dan, one for Vince), then they will eat that tasty stuff with honey baked ham and baked beans. The potato salad will then be placed in the fridge where it will remain until it is pulled out half an hour later for a second helping. It will return to the fridge again with the best intentions, but, sadly, it will be forgotten.

Jay McCarroll from Project Runway will be in attendance.

Dan.

Grindcore (Clarification)

Dan here. Judging by the submissions we've been getting, I feel I need to clarify what we're looking for when we say "Ass-Terrible Grindcore Bands". We're not looking for smart music played by talented people, duh. If you're doing something innovative or the least bit interesting, please do not apply. Lou Reed's Metal Machine Music has already been used in art installations, co-opted by the art establishment, therefore its noise is not what we're looking for.

Read the following if you're thinking about applying, hopefully it will clear up some confusion.

"We're a 4-piece inspired by the work of the Dream Syndicate"
No. Don't apply.

"Inspired by John Cage's 'Happenings', our band plays unannounced gigs in the audience during arena rock shows."
That's good, but not for this.

"After graduating from the Rhode Island School of Design-"
Let me stop you right there...

"wear the fastest band in our high school. at the battle of the bands, we made a girl cry. mike (drums, vocls) plays double bass real fast. our biggest hit is called 'sayonara surprise' its about fight club. we also wrote a song about fight club. the demo's not good quality, mike's drums are so fast that his double bass made the microphone fall off the bass amp, so it all sounds like butt, just vocals and drums. sorry"
Ladies and gentlemen, we may have a winner.

Keep those tapes coming...