Inanities, Part 3

Things I've written on my typewriter:

1. "Something happens to me when I drink caffeine."
"You get the shakes?"
"No. I lose my segues."

2. A while ago, there was this guy that I was all chummy with. He looked at me one time with nothing but porridge in his eye and said: "Chum…" I brightened up at this. "I’m glad I never ate any of that." He was right to be glad, too. Chum’s not fit for human consumption. It does a hell of a job catching sharks, though. Everything in its right place.

3. If you have a common name, you should try searching online for obituaries of people with the same name as you. It would be like jumping in a time machine.