Holiday Wishlist (Surrealist Version)

Reader e-mail time:

From Jim:

Dan and Vince,

Hey guys, I was wondering what you were asking for this Christmas? Do you guys celebrate Christmas?

Also, I NEED the rent by the third of December guys. I can't keep floating you, this is all covered in the lease.

Thanks,

Jim XXXXXXXX

Hey Jim, thanks for your interest in surrealism. I'll answer your second question first, but first I'll re-word it.

Do you except gifts in December?

Jim, the word is accept, and yes, we accept gifts all year.

We are especially fond of the idea of a fat man in a red suit, riding around on a sleigh pulled by a group of flying reindeers, defying time and physics to deliver presents to everyone on Earth. What's so appealing about the creature children refer to as jolly fat man in red suit is that he takes time out of his pressing December 24th schedule to deliver coal to rotten children. How devilish!

Secondly, your first question, it's one I'm glad you asked. People are often confused about this. Last year someone gave me a lighter shaped like a toilet.

That's not surreal.

That's crap.

Listen, just because I'm a surrealist doesn't mean I like any damn weird stuff you find while waiting on a check-out line. You should see my apartment.

Is tiny.

Honestly, you want to get me something that would help me be a surrealist? How about a sandwich. Seriously. Living as an art object is some hungry business.

Or this.

But that's it. No novelty crap. I mean it.